this year im gonna save my fafsa money and use it for new york and a new car, possibly paris?

i've just been sitting in bed all morning and i wont get out until i must get ready for work

breakfast: grapes and a cup of almond milk
work snacks : grapes, lettuce with olive oil, salt and lemon with some tomato, half of my bell pepper with some vegan ranch, nuts mix
dinner: left over veggie pho

in the last week or so i've never felt so much anxiety. i feel like i went back to highschool and its just super shitty and i feel so insecure, i think its mostly just being scared of change and whats to come and the fact that people around me are changing and i just want to stay in this stage. i have to try this year and i just want to i dont know what i  want and i have work at 12 and i think i might cry ugh idk what to do or what to say anymore

cant stop day dreaming
cant stop dreaming
wont stop till its my reality
because im a little girl who never lets go
of my pretty thoughts
and feelings
about the dumb boys with the pretty shoes

i just love him so much as a friend it hurts. i cry about it but not because i yearn to be loved by him or to be kissed by him but cared for as a friend. hes such a special person and holds such a special place in my heart and i care so much and i hope and want only the best for him. i just wish i could talk to him and ask him how he's doing and tell him how im happy for him being with her. how i know its all he wanted.
i cant wait to go to seattle, i just need a break <3

i'd like to spend my day in a field of chamomile flowers just listening to serge gainsbourg all day and drinking almond milk please

who has work in an hour and hasnt gotten ready?!?!?
meee!!!!!

dumb

finally bought a LA hat~ ive wanted one for a while now and i cant wait to wear it when im seattle!! my nike game was so on point today too!!!

but at the end of night im still a sad girl with too many sad thoughts
~sigh

when i look at pictures of alexa chung i get sad because IM NOT AS COOL AS HER

uh

ITS 2:30 AM AND MY FUCKING NEIGHBORS WONT SHUT UP. THEY NEED TO STOP BEING SO FUCKING OBNOXIOUS LIKE EXCUSE ME IM TRYING TO SLEEP.

!~

as i type this my francoise hardy vinyl that was re issued and shipped from germany just for me is playing on my record player!!! i've gone to amoeba & origami and both didnt have any and werent gonna order some for me ): but the super cool guy at vacation vinyl on sunset did!!! i remember the day i went in and wrote a request for it. i was super sad about kale boy and that day i bought my copy of eight ball i think??? anyways today i went into skylight and got my copy of lost at sea!! i ordered a new one since i dont feel like asking kale boy for mine back + i hope he actually reads it. i still care about him so much as a friend and hope he's happy and maybe someday we can be friends again and go to movies and drink tea and talk about french culture!!! anyways im so happy, i just want to lay in bed all day and listen to this and dream of my future life in paris!!! today theres a party at my co workers and a show at the smell im co sponsoring but im not sure which to go to ): hmmmmmmmmmMMMmmmmMMMM

can it just be aug where i leave to seattle!?!?!?! 

_

im 98 % sure that i want my first tattoo to be three lil flowers that look doodled on my arm. that or the outline of a heart with me in it. i want something special and dear to my heart to always remind me to love myself and be childlike. i hate perfect tattoos, life isnt perfect nor do i want my life to be perfect. i want it to be pretty and interesting like a doodled flower that has a sense of childlike wonder.

.

this sunday i have off so i think im going to take a trip to the beach early early and shoot a friend of mine in film!!! idk who yet but i want something very simple and pretty!!! <3

i need to start finding another job, i love my job now but its important for me to get more experience and meet new people !!! my goals for this week! hmmm

finish watching certain films, start reading on the road, work !!!, get film developed !!! etc etc! 

every time i post an instagram photo i secretly hope you'll like it. can i just have my awkward run in with you already and get it over with?

im hurt and im sad and i think of him often. i wonder about what he's doing whether he's seeing her or not. sure we werent official but he started to mean a lot to him. i wish things were much simpler and i never got involved. i dont regret hooking up with him i regret continuing to think that him wanting to hang out would lead to something. clearly he was still into her and was just waiting for her to come back. thats what upsets me. that i was so stupid i couldnt see that. i guess i should be glad i didnt sleep with him either but i just wish it never happened. it changes everything for me i guess. my co worker i know doesnt think i know so wont tell me but ughhh. i just wish this would pass. i know it will it always does and i feel better at the end but for now its just me sitting at home alone listening to sad french music. -ughhh-

42 more days till seattle
then tomorrow 41
then 40~~~!!!
then 39
and so on
and soooo on!!!

i dont feel happy like i used to and i dont feel comfortable and i dont feel like this is going to work itself out. im scared and i wish things werent like this. it almost feels like a break up the most harsh way, i need to start numbing myself because i dont see another way to work this out.

I BOUGHT MY TICKET FOR SEATTLE
I BOUGHT MY TICKET FOR SEATTLE

I BOUGHT MY TICKET FOR SEATTLE

I BOUGHT MY TICKET FOR SEATTLE

I BOUGHT MY TICKET FOR SEATTLE

I BOUGHT MY TICKET FOR SEATTLE

I BOUGHT MY TICKET FOR SEATTLE

I BOUGHT MY TICKET FOR SEATTLE

I BOUGHT MY TICKET FOR SEATTLE

I BOUGHT MY TICKET FOR SEATTLE

I BOUGHT MY TICKET FOR SEATTLE

I BOUGHT MY TICKET FOR SEATTLE

AUG 5th 

finally finally finally getting out of los angeles for a little bit

ohhh my goddddddd i cant believe its finally happening

i cant wait for the day to come

when i wake up and im 19 and then the next day i'll be in seattle!!!!

<3 <3 <3 

i miss sergio so much and i cant wait to see him and tell him about kale boy and ahhhhhh <3

i worked so hard for this, and im broke again but its so worth it to me. it really is and all of june/july

im going to do nothing but save up. 

I BOUGHT MY TICKET FOR SEATTLE

I BOUGHT MY TICKET FOR SEATTLE

I BOUGHT MY TICKET FOR SEATTLE

I BOUGHT MY TICKET FOR SEATTLE

I BOUGHT MY TICKET FOR SEATTLE

I BOUGHT MY TICKET FOR SEATTLE

I BOUGHT MY TICKET FOR SEATTLE

I BOUGHT MY TICKET FOR SEATTLE

I BOUGHT MY TICKET FOR SEATTLE

I BOUGHT MY TICKET FOR SEATTLE

I BOUGHT MY TICKET FOR SEATTLE

I BOUGHT MY TICKET FOR SEATTLE

the first real boyfriend i ever had and truly loved wrote this for me and put it up on urban dictionary when i was in 9th? grade? or maybe 10th? and i just remember feeling so loved and so happy and i found it again and i wanted it on a mug so whenever im sad i'll drink tea out of my tamy mug and i'll feel better. i feel nothing for him now but its the thought of this and just how sweet it is. i remember going through such a hard time in my life with my mom at the time and he was the most supportive best friend i could ask for.

we're seeing man of steel friday
ahaha if he bails out on me again i'll just i dont even know ahh

i wish i was a flower

a cute lil flower

so i'd never get hurt

boys wouldnt be able to hurt my feelings
and girls wouldnt be able to call me mean names
my life would be simple and i'd die pretty

i wish i was a flower
a cute lil flower
so i'd never get hurt

i'd wilt and die but i'd never feel depressed
i'd feel the wind and the soft rain
and i've never cry because
cute lil flowers never cry

i would be really jealous of kale boy started seeing someone else but i dont want him to be my boyfriend i just i just i dont know ):

the yeezus album is flawless and just brings me happiness, ughh tomorrow i go back to work ): whyyyy

i never feel sad to do things alone, i just feel angry and sad at the same time ughhh

and my hair looks so good today

he said he'd call me to let me know what time we should hang out today
excuse me i dont wait for anyone, fuck you
fuck you
fuck you
fuck you
fuck you

im gonna go watch this movie alone and have 10x more fun than i woud have with you

fuck you
fuck you
fuck you
fuck you

in the last months or so i've created one of the biggest secrets of my personal life and its something i'd never tell anyone for the life of me. 

i've also never felt so grown up in my life. 

im playing a show tomorrow!!! im excited to see all my friends and then after im going to see kanyes projections in echo park with jorin!!! im so excited and then after i might go see the bling ring (': and then sunday im seeing kale boy ? and monday amoeba with clara <3

im so excited for seattle but i want to go to new york so bad
tickets are 200 for seattle and 400 for new york but argghh new york makes me so happy and if i dont go this summer i'll be so sad):
money problems

im so bad at living life why do i even try

we're seeing the bling ring on sunday but i really want to watch it alone before hand. i just love watching movies alone, i like just taking it all in and not having to worry whether the person i came with is going to enjoy it. i've been listening to his ima robot vinyl non stop ever since he let me borrow it. i came home today and watched an episode of girls (season 1) and then read eight ball by daniel clowes which i scored today for 8 bucks. before that i went to vacation vinyl and there wasnt a franciose vinyl ): and i ended up just talking to the guy about music and he gave me the nationals cd for free and i gave my name and number so when they have a hardy vinyl they'll call me. tomorrow i have to go to clementine this plant store in silverlake and buy my dad his succulent and buy myself one for my room and then pay my phone bill. so much to do and such little time and then after work is mountair meeting and then band practice. my day tomorrow is going to be so intense idk if im ready. im never ready, i never know what i want or what im supposed to do. i think i actually like kale boy because he came in today to talk to jorin and didnt notice me and i felt really nervous and uncomfortable because it thought he was ignoring me since maybe he thought i was too childlike when we last hung out. i always worry that guys will think that about me. i know im childlike, i choose to be like that because i refuse to be boring and sad and adult like, just like all the stupid old sad men who come into my work.  whenever i see them i always make a comment  like " you look lovely today" or "wow what a pretty name" and they always smile at me and it makes me feel like i reminded them that life is pretty sometimes even though i forget myself. one of the guys who comes in asked if i was ok cause he knew i go to smc. a fucking customer cares more about me than my own mother! ha aha how silly is that. argh i should be getting ready to sleep but i cant decided on what dress to wear sunday when i see him. i know forsure i'll wear my hat from topshop and maybe my heart dress with my leather jacket. i wish i knew how he felt about me and i feel silly to ask. i dont even know what i want, i know i just want it to continue it doesnt have to be official i dont ask for much. we're not even facebook friends. 

im so bad at dating, i like kale boy but idk how he feels and i want to talk to this other boy and i dont want anyone getting hurt since i know kale boy is sensitive but he wont even tell me how he didnt even respond when i told him i liked him so i dont know and its like ok well im going to date other people if you clearly dont even know how to respond to when someone says "i really like you" like wtf the super cute guy from lassens texted me today (again) and then the guy from flore was flirting with me too and then this guy who comes into my work and is kinda a babe wants to hang out too, wow all of this just made me realize that if things dont work out with kale boy its ok

i got to work a hour early and i ended up going over his place and i hung out with him for a little in his room and listened to francoise hardy and bleached and talked about where he was going and france and he gave me this poem to read before i left and i didnt want to leave for work but i had to. he walked me to my car and he kissed me >.< he comes back sunday afternoon and i happen to be busy all afternoons next week which is when he's free but maybe we'll figure something out, this all feels to real to be true and too wonderful to exist. i dont want to fuck it up and i dont want my selfish issues to mess this up. for christ sake when we hung out he made me pizza and cooked me mushrooms and we watched arrested development and just held each other and it was so wonderful and we listened to music and sat on his bed and talked about being little and christmas lights and i dont want to mess this up. i dont want this to end, i enjoy his company so much and i feel so comfortable around him it almost scares me because its so lovely. i talked to him about how great it is to watch wes anderson films in theater and he agreed completely and we both enjoy watching movies alone and i think thats why i wouldnt mind watching one with him. i feel respected and i respect him and his work. the only thing that worries me is others. others opinion and thoughts always ruin everything and always ruin it all and i know you could tell me dont let it but its not easy and you know its not. im so excited for him to come back, more than i want to admit. im so excited for all the adventures we've made plans for. we made a pact to buy christmas lights and put them up in his room next time we hang out and possibly go watch the bling ring, which ive made him promise not to look up! ahh im so excited i hope he's part of my summer and im part of his.

i hate one of my co workers so much, i cant wait to leave this job. it makes me sad since i really love working there but its just too much always having to leave work an hour before and battling traffic. it gives me such a headache )): and its not like any of my favorite people are going to be there so ughhh 

i made my apt to go back to counseling, im excited to finally be able to do this without my parents  since that was always the biggest issue.

the last couple days have been eventless 

however kale boy and i have been texting!!! i just get bored easily because theres so much i want to say but i just want to see him and hug him and talk to him about film and music and i dont want to look to creepy so waah. we've agreed on seeing the bling ring when it comes out and im super pumped about that!!! it'll be a real movie date!!! i've been thinking about what to wear ever since we agreed on going to see it, i got new jellies~~!! but idk if that would go well or maybe i'll just wear my black boots they go with everything. idk idk also we planned a date for a dodger game and hopefully i can get it off!! it would make me so happy. 

today is just a lazy day im going to do nothing and do laundry maybe go for a run? hmmm 

last night was one the best parties ever, i love my friends so much. <3 <3 <3 im sad kale boy wasnt there but he texted me that night and we hadnt talked the whole day which meant he thought about me.
:3

im going to visit kale boy tomorrow
please god dont let me fuck this up in anyway please let me look super cute and make kale boy want to kiss me

i keep asking whats wrong with me why hasn't he contacted me why me why me whats wrong with me and its just making me crazy and it hurts my head and i just wish i had someone who wants to watch the office really late at night and listen to records and light candles and go to the observatory all the time and just look at the stars
ugh its not like im even sexually frustrated, i dont want to make out with you i just want to hold your hand and cuddle and tell you how cute you are


*cries*

my best friends who are always on my book shelf next to my favorite books!!! 

they finally have more space ever since i cleaned my room (-:

(i was feeling sad about work and sad because i dont know where i stand with the boy i made out with at the party i went to last saturday) 

ADAM I KNOW YOU DELETED AGAIN IT MAKES ME UPSET THAT I CANT ENJOY YOUR WEB PRESENCE.
)))-:

oh i think i like you but i guess it doesnt even matter at this point

i wish feelings we'rent so hard to deal with. yes its part of life but sometimes i just become so overwhelmed with my thoughts it makes my head hurt and i want to crawl into a corner and just stay there till i feel better. maybe its just the come down. but i feel like this a lot when im home for too long so i dont know

 took the adderall my friend gave me a while ago and i hadnt used it and since i didnt have a car today i took it and cleaned my WHOLE room. and i  literally mean my whole room.  every drawer, every piece of paper i went through and i gave away/threw away so much stuff and my room is so much cleaner now im so proud of myself. & the same time im determined to get a prescription considering that im 18 now and i’ll be able to sign for myself now. a year ago i was going to therapy and my therapist said i should get evaluated since she told me i showing signs of adhd and since it had never been treated when i was little it wasnt going away. however my parents never let me get tested since they refused to have me put anything in my body. i totally agree with them but it helps me so much and regardless of what anyone says about it (all the negatives) im glad i’m finally making this decision to go get tested  they got really upset with my therapist and made me stop seeing her and for a while i was going to take the bus to her but it was just too much to do. i think this summer i’ll start going to see her again, and i’ll drive myself.  . *summer goal*


++++++

i got rid of my tv and im so happy i did. now i have my record table on the table it used to be on and i made it all pretty with the picture of me, gawby and bryce <3 i also put the casio josh let me borrow and all the posters are against the wall it honestly looks so nice. i cleaned out my bookshelf and put away all off the books i dont want/giving away and organized everything i had. i wish i could do more things like this naturally. usually every time i try i get distracted and it makes me so sad and frustrated with myself. i start crying and hating myself because i cant ever focus on just one thing. im going to try to just take little steps in being more of an organized person. <3 

i keep trying to type it all out and get it out of my system but i cant and i just want to know if we can still be friends.

oh man the morning after is just a weird cloud of feelings and thoughts i hope im not overreacting. im so bad at this and sometimes so insecure, today i'll just sleep all day and watch the office and stay up till arrested development comes on netflix and take some vicoden

i dont know i dont know i dont know i dont know
oh god

i want to cry just thinking about my co workers leaving. i already cant deal working when they're not there i dont know how i'll do it when they're totally gone.
i really need to look/try to get a job at aa cause its becoming too much to deal with. i always say i need to quit and its true, its wayy to intense working at that store and i dont get paid enough for what i deal with but its just becoming more and more of a reality. theres just too many emotions right now and i need to relax and just breathe~ im at melissa's and im so happy. i love their apt so much and jorin just i wish good things could stay that way. im a bit emotionally overwhelmed right now so sorry if this whole entry doesnt make sense.  ughoisdhfoihaiogfhas is exactly how i feel, i just cant deal right now i cant and i dont want to and life is forcing me to aND iTS NOT COOOOL

literally cant wait for thursday night
im going to drive to long beach and visit my friend melissa and her husband and we're going to watch clueless and have a vegan fest!!!
i've worked the last 7 days in a row all 8 hour shifts im soo tired!!! i didnt do my paper for school oops!! but its ok img oing to turn it late and get a B hehe. anyways!!! time to sleep, i wish i had a boy to make out  with again. i did but he wasnt a healthy relationship and im sure all of my friends would disapprove if they found out. ughh sexual frustration ~_~

my friend took this of me tonight

and i made this song when i got home

https://soundcloud.com/tamylovespandas/i-hate-boys

its not really about anyone but rather about every boy i've ever liked 

look how cute this super short cat dress is!!!
i got it from some online store and i have these thigh highs im going to wear it with :3 so i like this boy but the situation is really weird. its my co workers roommate but omgg he's so cute and he likes film and appreciates the same music i do and i want to get to know him but i heard he's dating this other girl ughhh idk how to not look creepy, idk if he'll think im creepy? waah i really wanna get to know him anyways :3

this summer i really want to get my tattoo, i've been thinking about it for almost a year now and my stepmom thinks i should wait but i think i'll do it anyways. most likely with bryce since we talked about getting tattoos this summer!!! i know she'll understand it (-: today the weather was so pretty in santa monica, it was breezy and nice. tomorrow is my day off maybe i'll drive out to the beach alone and go swimming~ ahh that sounds so nice!!! i should be getting ready for work, im in a good mood and hopefully i'll stay this way at work since people can often be so rude.
i cleaned my room a bit, i think with my next paycheck im going to buy a new desk and some shelves ~ i have way too many things that i dont even use.

waiting for my class to start in the back of my car!!! i was sad that i didnt have a blanket but then i realized my friend left his jacket from a few nights ago so it serves a good purpose now!!! i went to starbucks before school for iced coffee how silly is that?!!??!

today was my day off.

i woke up, got ready made myself some breakfast and drove out to glendale. i watched the great gatsby and it was really wonderful. i had been meaning to watch it since i saw the trailer but it wasnt something i wanted to watch with a boy or with a friend i just felt the need to watch it alone. so i did and it was exactly what i wanted. i'll probably do the same thing for the bling ring. after i walked around a bit and bought my co worker these socks i had promised her and i was happy to see her  when i went to go pick up my tips at work. my co worker told me i looked pretty which made me happy since he thinks this girl we work this is the most beautiful girl he's ever seen and for a while i liked him so it kinda made me feel better. after i drove to trader joes and picked out what i'd eat for the next couple weeks or so. driving home was nice, im not a fan of hot weather. it makes me really angsty and upset but i tried hard to just keep cool~

i came home and made such a lovely dinner for myself :3
go me.

i took this earlier when i was vchatting with erik :3 i miss him so much <3 

all i remember about this was pure love

post lil depression is too fucking real and im going through it, based family where u at

im so thankful and happy you came into my life, i wouldnt be the person i am today without you and every day i thank the universe and the stars and cosmos and moons and life that i know you as not just my best friend but the mom that i never had but always needed. im so proud to call you my friend and my mom, you're the coolest person i know and everyday you teach me so much. <3 <3 <3 

i hate myself so much and all i want to do is just sleep and never wake up but i have work at fucking 5:30 am, i cant stop crying im so done with everything. nothing ever fucking works out for me.

i dont want to deal with my feelings anymore

bored in class thinking about cute boy i want to kiss and hug

#depressed

theres this super cute guy who comes in my work and his name happens to be ian :3 but he works at wacko and always orders a tea latte for himself and we talked about lil b today and he told me he saw his performance at freak city a while ago and he's really sweet and always talks to me and i keep meaning to ask him to come to the mountair show at pehr but i get nervous the more i think about it and today he came in and asked me how my weekend was and i was so dumb and just said "boring all i did was work" omg someone slap me plz

i want to cry, im breaking out with this rash on my legs and its starting on my arms and idk what to do and i have no idea what it is and im so fucking scared. like i've never had this happen to my body, i take care of myself and eat healthy and always make sure i have enough protein and its just so scary. i've never felt afraid of my own body and im trying to keep positive and just believe that it will go away and im going to the doctor tomorrow so hopefully he'll help me out but im stressed out i have work at 5 am tomorrow i want it to go away

my sock combo was so cute today

the thing about los angeles is once you've been everywhere you just think "where else can i go now?" 

i dont wanna go to trader joes in pasadena, silverlake, hollywood, etc and everything else is too far or theres nothing

ughhh 

i bought this super cute hat today plus this awesome long sleeve button up!!! the shirt is from j crew and the hat is from topshop (': i also bought super cute socks with trimming!! i might wear it tomorrow to go see pageants at the echo <3 i'm still on the search for nikes to wear this summer (or balances) i want the right kind since i'll be dropping almost 100 dollars on them which is alot~ but it'll be worth it!!!

at times i feel like i am the luckiest person in the world when it comes to friends. i become so thankful i want to cry and thank the universe because i never thought that i would see they day where i would have true friends who would love the same things as i and support me and love me the way they do.
growing up in elementary school i never felt like i fit in, my thoughts were never ones that my peers related to and often times i was looked at as being weird~ and the same went for middle school, i always felt isolated. even when i had "friends" they were just people who i had slight things in common with. their priorities were often very superficial and would rather much talk about boys other than politics and movies and how pretty flowers are or just life in general. i found myself just walking around and going to the library and just staring at the walls or people watched and listened to others conversations just admiring life itself. it was so hard for me to make true friends. highschool happened and it was even harder. i would come home and cry because i didnt understand how i couldnt just relate. and i tried so hard to talk about all the dumb things they talked about, partying, going out, gossip but i couldnt and i kept feeling like i could never find a group of friends. it didnt help that when i would talk to my parents about it they would blame me and say i was an awful friend and i was doing this to myself. somehow and magically things started to change and i met josh and we became friends and i cant even beging to explain how thankful i am for him. and then i met more wonderful people and mountair happened and mikey happened and finally i found a crowd that appreciated alterative music and things that werent widely accepted. and then melissa happened. im so thankful for melissa, i cant believe through working at starbucks i met one of the greatest persons in the world. her and her husband (who's a fucking professor at usc ok) are so amazing, i drove out to their apt in long beach which was so far but so worth it. its so beautiful inside and they both have so much literature everywhere and vinyl and they love popculture they way i do and appreciate me and talk to me and when im around them i forget about 18 and what 18 represents (youth, wildness, naiveness). they make me feel so equal to them and actually listen and i just cant express how happy i am around them. they cooked me the most wonderful dinner and we talked about adderall, and literature and watched pretty wild and boys and life. they mean so much to me and melissa always jokes about how im her adopted mexican daughter <3 <3 <3 when my root canal happened she texted me asking how it went, caring more than my father and mother who refused to go with me. same goes with jorin, he always listens to me and the day i visited him at his apt he made me feel so comfortable and ordered me breadsticks and we watched netflix and hopefully soon we'll go to brite spot again and i love his hugs. when im sad i just think about the people in my life and how much i love them and how happy they make me and then everything is a little more ok.

i've written 3 new songs for ta gueule!! i hope band practice happens soon

if theres anything that i hate more than being lied to its looking stupid )))):

BUT apart from that!!


today i spent the whole day with erik, i came over and i just slept on his bed and we watched part of ghost world and went to the northridge mall~  i love him so much and im glad he's my best friend. its so crazy to me how a year ago we were seniors and all we did was complain about our lives, both didnt drive, never got to really hang out or do anything and now its the complete opposite. i remember never wanting to be his friend and hating him but he was so persistant and idk he's always been there for me in the weirdest ways. friendships are so wonderful and im always amazed when i look back how much has changed and how back then i never thought my life would be like the way it is now. i finally get to drive places alone, visit people, drive out to places alone, wear what i want and just be more of who i want to be. idk why all of this is making me so sad, i feel as if i can see myself really getting older and its not as bad but its also so scary how things change so fast and one day im walking down the st to the bus stop in the middle of the valley and the next im driving down sunset alone. time is so scary and it makes me happy and sad, feelings feelings feeeeelings~
<3
i also go this pretty eyeliner today!!!

sorry i havent been posting lately!!! )):

im typing this while im in my merch class. i sit all the way in the back hehehe just because i like to be left alone and im always scared of being picked on. we're watching this youtube video on the burning in pakistan. im so confused since i was a few min late trying to put money in the meter and i didnt have money in my account so my debit card kept getting denied )): and i only had bills and everyone i asked said they didnt have change!! liars!!! i fucking hate santa monica everyone here is so rude and spoiled. i think next semester im going to go to pasadena, the drive is so much and i cant handle driving out here at 6 am !!! im so sososo tired and i have work later ew. its ok since i have tomorrow of !!! (-: time go get a hair cut. 

being in love with vegan boy was emotionally hard for me because he was so unattainable but at the same time there was a part of me that snapped out of it at times and knew it was just me being silly and what sucks about liking someone who is attainable and doesnt show interest is that you constantly question yourself why and whats wrong with you and why and why and why and why and why

why am i crying why am i sad!!!
out of no where why !!! im a princess and i shouldnt be sad i should be happy

the frog in my throat well its holdin down the truth behind 99% of my jokin like the times i invite you over to choke it out

and every single time you decline and i try to joke about it. i got a fire that u can stoke and now i’m kanye after accidents im lyin down wired up with a broken mouth

i wanna lay you down and jus poke around u hear what i spoke aloud and say, louder, i see your outer facade and it’s brittle, you fiddle with me a little, im little but i can jiggle and juggle but i admit it you puzzle me like a riddle, i might as well nibble on the bits n kibbles cuz yr doggin me and the frog in my throat is gonna croak, i wanna get over you i want out of the fog that ive been cloaked in

cuz youre fuckin raw, youre droppin jaws in the streets watch it, you’re fuckin raw as the streets, i see your outer shell and its brittle you fiddle with me a little, im little but i can jiggle and juggle but i admit it you puzzle me like a riddle, i might as well nibble on the bits n kibbles cuz yr doggin me and the frog in my throat is gonna croak, i wanna get over you i want out of the fog and i thought i wanted to be tied up and clawed at, but i’m a fraud i’m really terrified of all that

so i take it slow do a great job (tim & eric) but i always was a terrible judge of character, all you wanna do is tear it up, i know but cant you be noble like captain america?? i wanna stare at ya i wanna stare at ya i wanna stare at ya i wanna stare at ya i wanna….

i wanna sit n stare atcha i wanna sit and stare atcha like the streets watch i wanna go home with you and see yr 3 socks strewn around your bedroom 6 am i gotta jet soon, leave locks of my hair around your restrooms and i need 2 find peace, spas to chill in steam rooms full of heat rocks 

i don want u i just need 2 detox and i dont want you i just need a detox

this whole song just blows my mind

i love kitty so much her music means so much to me and its amazing how much i can relate to this song. literally almost ever verse

<3 ________ <3

today was literally so wonderful

even though it was so fucking hot i literally got to see so many people i love

there was a mountair event at csun and after i ate with bryce and oksana <3 <3 <3 and then i drove bryce home and it was just so lovely and then i visited ximena who i havent seen in months (literally since highschool) and it was so lovely, she means so much to me and i can tell anything knowing she wont ever judge me. we got in and out ( i just got fries ) so much nostalgia from highschool when i would come over and just eat and complain about our lives and boys and we sat in the grass looking at the sky talking about boys~ and then after i visited erik at his housie!!! im so happy i saw him again and i jumped on his bed and it was so lovely. i need to start making more of an effort to visit them and hang out with them. even though gas is so expensive, it was so worth it. they're two people from highschool that still mean so much to me!!!

dear universe
will you please
let me get this one wish
you know how bad i want this
how much i need this


my feelings arent silly
my feelings arent stupid
my feelings are real
why wont you believe me

dear universe
do you hear me
screaming about how i feel
about the boy i like

I DELETED THE TEXT FROM THIS TEXT POST BECAUSE THIS BOY IS STUPID AND DESERVES TO BE SPIT ON. 

THE END. 

last night i came home so tired from lot 1 and i slept at 2 and woke up with just enough time to go to work and i just got home from a full 8 hour shift ))): im sososos sleepy but i still have to make food and finish scanning ~_~ and then tomorrow i work again all day and i really want to see my friends art work at moca and then i'll drive over to the echo for a show i bought tickets for (kinda regret it) and then monday early morning im picking up my book
it neeeverrrr eeeeends~~!!!!!!

i thought i'd make a post on the dumbest photos i take of myself on photobooth lol

 me trying to be serious~

me trying to be silly

 
i really didnt want to work that day

me being stupid

showing off my bag

again trying to be cute but failing

im so proud of this photo!!!!

my kitty whom i love with my whole heart

i took this because i thought i couldnt go to kitty pryde at bootleg and i was on the floor crying about to throw up on the phone with josh 

before i cooked the most wonderful eggplant !!!!!

im really happy i saw kitty perform last night. i went completely alone which i think made it a little better and i just ended up really enjoying her performance and i talked to her after and it made me soososos happy!!! 

today i was supposed to work in the day time but i guess im closing which is ok because i dont mind ~_~ its a thursday night so it should be slow and i closed the other night and it was ok!!! hopefully it'll be as easy as it was last time. i get out at 12 and usually i would visit a friend of mine but i think its best i stop doing that and just take the freeway home to avoid temptation. maybe ian will come in and we can exchange emails!! i want to be his friend, and i think the fact that i havent seen him as often has really helped me to balance my feelings. 

ALSO 

i found out last night the drums are playing in june and josh and i are going to go and wait all day to see them perform!!!! i really love their music and i think they have a timeless sound, im so sososoooo exciteeeed!!! 

im so thankful that i've gotten to see people perform in the last week and i just remembered beach fossils is this sunday!!!!!

im so excited for tonight, i've been waiting for tonight for a really long time and i refuse to let anything mess it up. 

i hope she performs this tonight, its one of my favorite songs off her old ep. 

eeeeeee im sooooo eeeexcciiiiteeeeeedd!!!!!

i hope she has merch omfg i just realized i should have her sign my sticker with her face on it :3 

i drove to beach and stood there alone just staring out into the ocean. i started crying, i swear to god i was just taken back by how beautiful nature is and how lovely the beach was. i wanted to be there forever and take it all in. i walked around and was just observing the surfers and thinking about how wonderful their connection with the ocean must be. i didnt go in but i tired to just ~be in the moment and forget about all my stupid problems. sadly reality hit and i had to go home. im gonna watch parks and rec, shower, go to my sisters open house and then smith westerns with john!!! (mark and adam will be there hehe)

im so exciteeeeeeed~!!!!! 

SO FRIKIN EXCITED IM GOING TO PEEEEE

with lakutis
aka i get to hear hey shawty pt 3.0 live aka dream come true

i love my co worker jorin. he always makes my day and gives me the most kind heart warming hugs when i have bad days. i hope he has his own store soon because i'd be more than willing to work at that location. today i was talking to him about my boy situation and he was telling me how he'd be willing to go down to that guys work and say something (although completely un-needed) it was the thought that he'd be willing to that means so much to me. i hope we hang out again outside of work, soon and i'll bring fruit to his apt and we'll watch netflix and talk about his girl problems. when i left he gave me the kindest hug that made me feel so much better and kissed my forehead. usually things like that irritate me but he's like the big brother i never had. 

also im excited for smith westerns tomorrow night!!!

*~*~*~*~*~*~~*~*~*~*~*~**~*~*~*~*~*

ok im making a post about this, im making a promise to myself i'm going to end this. im better than this and i deserve better than this, and i need to stop making this situation in my head diffrent than it actually is in reality. i am so stupid i am human

i keep forgetting im human

but

i just want to cry

i refuse to let this happen to me again, im going to watch girls, get high, listen grimes, & sleep.


monday
work & mountair

tuesday
school & smith westerns

wed
(just decided im taking myself to the getty) & kitty pryde

thursday
work

friday
mountair & work


its going to be o k a y

just got home
*~*~*~**~~*~*~*~*~*
went to work, closed, dropped off my co worker, visited my friend at work, walked down sunset alone, drove home while best coast played in my car, called cole, parked, drank two things of soy milk and now im typing this

i've been in this postion all day until i decided it was time to get ready for work (which was 15 min ago)

im having a mid life crisis at 18

i dont think i can live anymore 

im contemplating getting up and getting ready and going to oreans before work but laying in my bed all dday before work sounds good to since the pain im in right now is literally killing me

really happy mitch replied to my email
yayayayay

i've gotten a lot better with my diet, i've been eating so many veggies and taking my vitamins and making protien shakes

i get paid friday which is exciting cause that means i'll get to go grocery shopping! (which i love) since i get to figure out what im going to eat for the next two weeks. i always get mushrooms, spinach, yogurt, and flowers along with other goodies.

im trying really hard to stay positive

i miss the park

off to the dentist!!! im late!!!! then after im gonna take myself out to eat
(-:

-mountair meeting
-spring breakers for the 3rd time
-hair cut
-film developed
-new dress

*~*~*~*~*~*~*

mmmm pizzzaaaa

last night was interesting
i came home much later than expected but im glad i made it home
today was just a giant blur of chores
i got my tips from work and went to cvs, and came home to clean and cook and now im just finishing laundry and trying to get ready for this week


this song reminds me of last night in general 

fuck fuck fuck fuck
i really was confused
should i have stayed
or was it good that i left
i dont fucccking knowww now
im happy being at home but maybe its just the stupid part of me
yeah its jsut me being stupid

everyone was really nice to me after i performed alst night
it made me feel really good about the band im in and how i want to play more this summer


oooo summer goals~

I DONT WAAAaNT TOOO waKEE UPpPPP
in an hour im supposed to be a pehr and my hair is literally all over the place and im such a mess
i have two outfits to change out of
help
i have a problem

i want a giant poster of this in my room

tomorrow im going to perform for julies birthday and im actually a bit nervous since there's going to be more than just my friends there and there are good bands playing that practice all the time and i guess im just letting these feelings get to me. ive been listening to grimes so much lately, i hope she plays los angeles soon. her music has come to mean so much to me, when you listen to the lyrics in her music they're so much more relatable than you'd think. ughhh i wish i could hide under my blanket and just sleep all day. i hate when my anxiety takes over. and then sundaaay ahhh sunday fuck. 

i have to get a root canal
i woke up the other morning with the worst pain in the world, i wanted to crash my car because i really felt the pain from the crash would be much better than the pain i was feeling at the moment

so i drove to class on thursday and i the pain hit me as soon as i got off the freeway, i couldnt even really focus on my test and i ran out and then i had to drive out all the way to alhambra only to find out that i would have to pay almost 1,000 dollars to get my root canal done. (which is money i dont have) im already so stressed out as it is trying to save money and then this comes up which basically puts me at zero since now i'll have to pay this off before i can start saving money for anything.

ughhgidfhoaihdgioahdsf and this whole fucking weekend is a giant stress ball since theres so much to do. after work last night (thankfully i got to leave a little early) and i went to visit my friend at work and he forced me to get veggie soup which was the first real thing i ate that whole day (the vicoden i had to constantly keep taking was making me feel all the nausea your body could ever experience and more) it was a little salty but it made me felt better. i drove home since it was too busy for us to talk and i came home unable to sleep again having to take more pain killers.


its almost 11 and i still need to shower and get ready, its so hard to feel excited about anything with this pain.
and to top it off my dad could care less about what im going through which rocks but when theres something to his benefit he'll be there~ same with my mother who i spoke to yesterday for the first time in almost half a year.

when did growing up become so fucking difficult when did all these responsibilities come? i want to run away.

im a bad friend to you because you'll never appreciate me if im a good friend
im a bad friend to you because its the only way this will work
im a bad friend to you because it helps me get over you
im a bad friend to you because then maybe you'll see how bad of a friend you are

i went to the park today alone it was so wonderful

also this fucker came out at me and i literally screamed out loud in the park and everyone stared at me like i was a crazy person

i drove home after work and i parked near my house and i left the car on and i just sat there listening to music. i started crying, i got into a tift with my co worker and i felt really bad and she was so angry at me and i wanted to quit. this week just has been really hard on me and im so stressed theres so much going on and i hate to tell people my problems. im so thankful for josh, he always listens to my problems and actually understands me. i have practice tomorrow and after i was going to drive to the park to have a relaxing studying day with me. maybe next week i'll drive to the beach ( i've been meaning to do so lately ) and just relax.


this really creepy guy hit on me on me today at work and i just felt so gross i wanted to spit in his face. im so disgusted by men sometimes and how they think they own women. i made a status about it on facebook and wearing a wedding ring and people think im trying to be funny. i dont find it funny i find it sickening that i have to fake my status so i feel safe are you fucking kidding me


im just going to curl up in my bed and re watch season one of girls (again)

just came from school and im rushing to make food since i have work at 1:45 to 10:00 pm ):

i have to remember im making moneeeey for nyccccc *~*~*~*~~*  

sssssCHOOOllll I dont LIKKEEEE YOUUUUUUU
i cleaned out my closet before work today and im really happy everything looks clean and i have iced coffee ready for tomorrow morning since i have to wake up so early
~_~

im really trying hard to save my money and i get mad at myself for at the end of the day spending too much
like today
i want to get flore before work but i need to keep my money and i have to pay for gas tomorrow and my phone bill is coming up


waaaaah
i just want enough money for ny and my guitar

i thought i was being a really good vegan by eating veggies 24/7 and having fruit and apples all the time but i guess not
cause my nose keeps bleeding my joints literally hurt and my arms feel so heavy i feel like my body is falling apart


i feel so fragile and not in a tumblr chic thinspo kinda way cause im not skinny i just feel weak and tired after today and im sleepy all the time
UGHH i dont wanna go to the doctor he's gonna tell me to start eating meat or something along the lines of that
how do i get this weak feeling to go away
i cant pick up my arms and the weight of them hurts me

im cant deal with this pain