me n mikeys hand
<3 <3 <3

my grandama died today so i called out of work and i've slept all day ((literally all day)) i've experienced death before but not like this, maybe its cause grandamas represent kindness and lovelyness and being spoiled endlessly and mine was so far away and i havent visited her in so long. this morning when i saw my missed call and i swear i just knew it was for that reason, last night too i felt this energy and i feel like she talked to me last night through my dream. maybe because of that i feel sad but i feel connected to her like she sees me now always. it sounds silly but its just this energy that i feel around me, i miss her so much but im really am thankful that her beautiful spirit is in a better place now.

a great human being 

what i wore on christmas! 

my american apparel dress~* and the coat paris gave me :3 

my room is so messy hehehe

also my secret santa paris got me the most beautiful coatish jacket ever <3 it screams blair waldorf vibes. thank you so much paris its one of the most thoughtful gifts i've received!

holiday party!

((john received fifty shades of grey from katie, me caught in the act of eating and laughing, gawby laughing))

((i was andrie's secret santa! hehe, mikey laughing, bayo wearing a hat))

((drunk,drunk, mikey))

((robyn being robyn~, bryce drunk [or in the process of getting there], katie being katie~))

                                                    

                                                    ((joshua dean and i))

<3

((gawby, bayo, josh, john, laura, bryce, josh, andrie, oksana, hugo, paris, mikey, robyn, katie, julie and i))

my friends and i had a holiday party held my dear friends johns house. we all had a secret santa and exchanged gifts. it was one of the most memorable holiday experiences i've had. im not a big holiday person and i find it hard to get into the holiday spirit however that night i had so much fun being with everyone else i finally got a sense of holiday and the thankfulness you have for your friends, the kind you only hear about in cheesy holiday movies. i dont know what i'd do without my friends im so thankful for them and all the memories we've had this past year~ its crazy how everyone important in my life has come from outside of school experiences and no one from high school has proven to really be a part of my life. ((except for joshua~)) 2012 has been a crazy year, i've learned so much about myself and really started to take responsibility. i got a job that i've had for more than two months now, i've found a group of friends that i really care for and can be myself around, i started to become comfortable with the idea of "growing up and being a woman~" all i can say is that i still have work to do and change but for the most part i am so happy about this past year and i love everyone that's taken a part of my life.

i always wonder about how the universe works, if it puts people in your life for a reason. as well as how it can take them out so fast. i havent seen ian in a week and i have been continuously thinking of him. maybe its cause he's so mysterious to me. i've thought of him so much i forgot that tomorrow jacob is flying in. i forgot that i had been looking forward to this for months. i forgot about my feelings, how silly and stupid am i?


im heart broken over a relationship i never had. all based of something i made up in my head but i've felt like this for almost 2 months now and im trying hard to scrape away these feelings but they just wont budge. does this mean i should keep trying? 

i finished christmas shopping :3 well i still need about two more gifts but i got paid today so i will go look around the city~ 

i sometimes cant stand this, i cant stand being me. who i am. i am no one, there is nothing special about me and it seems as if everyone around me has something going for them except for me. i'd like to disappear some days just go off into nothing and stay nothing. i cried in the car before i came into the house for almost an hour. i couldnt call anyone since everyone i'd call i would know is doing something worth while. i question myself so often its ridiculous, oh my i just wish i could go away. 

i still have to finish christmas shopping, it amazes me how its already the "holidays". i still feel like its summer, or school time. 

-sigh-

what am i doing? 

work was shitty. well yesterday it was awful i cried the whole way home since my co worker said something and it really bothered me. i really try my hardest at work and i know my stupid feelings get in the way and i forget my job is to serve people but i really care about trying my hardest ugh idk i couldnt stop crying on the bus and it was so embarrassing since tears kept coming down my eyes and i was trying to cover them. by the time i got home my mascara was irritating my eyes i couldnt take it. i felt like i couldnt call anyone, i just didnt want to seem needy, it was the worst feeling ever. 

i didnt see ian yesterday and i didnt see him today. both today and yesterday i was just thinking about what i would say to him about hanging out maybe or getting vegan food maybe? i dont know what to call the feelings i have when i see him. i want to say its different and even thats so cliche but its just this feeling of nervousness that i cant control and not because he's older since i've liked people older than me and i havent felt nervous around them. its been almost a month now and this feeling of nervousness wont go away idk if he feels something and im so scared to even ask since my biggest fear is that the situation is simply that he just sees me as some young girl who works at starbucks and has a crush on him with weird hopes of it being something someday. fuck fuck fuck. 

to top it off i need to finish xmas shopping ((holidays are a hard time for me)) and study for my final. 

meeep~

i saw ian yesterday and as usual its hard to talk since im working and i always want to talk to him and just hang out but i'm younger so i would feel really stupid asking him and he would probably think of me as some adolescent baby. i try so hard not to be nervous and not in the "dont be nervous" way in the actual mind power calm down way. i still fail, my hands shake and i end up somewhat slurring my words and its so unfair since he's never seen me act "normal" or just how i usually act ((calm and collected)). he came in the other day asking for a large hot water since it was cold out and he was going to give it to this homeless guy he often gives food to ((this only makes him more perfect <3__<3)) so next time i see him i think i'll tell him that i'll save some of the markouts to give to him for the homeless man. fuck its just so unfair that i only get to have this relationship at work, i wish i could actually be friends with him. 6_6

i have spent the whole day literally doing nothing, i should probably start studying for my final. oops, and i need to finish reading graces book! i started as soon as i bought it and its so wonderfully read and it makes me feel like im reading this real life fairy tale.

school girl vibes

i met grace today, and because i am still in shock i cant even type out the whole story or else i'll just cry again.

there's something so beautiful and timeless about this band. they're all i've been listening for the last couple months. i feel that whenever i enter a new stage of my life there's always a band that i obsess over and right now its the velvet underground. they influence the way i see life aswell as the way i dress and carry myself. it makes a lot of sense since i've been choosing to just socially stray away and just keep to myself and try to really focus on "growing up". some of their lyrics are sad and often times take me to dark place and trigger feelings and thoughts that are a bit confrontational in the most beautiful way. i just wish i could express my love for them and scream to the top of my lungs "I LAAAAAVEE YOUUU VELVET UNDERGROUND BEST BAND AAAAVAAAARRRR" like a five year old and dance with myself in my room without appearing like a total weirdo. 

p.s i love them so much i bought a poster of them ((which is very rare that i'll spend money on something like a posterllololol))

anyways my goals for the next couple days are as follows;

-read more

-finish xmas shopping (i bought gawbys gift and its the best one everrr <3)

-wear more knee high socks 

-save my moneys

-work work work on my projects!

-try to make ian be my actual friend heheheh

life really sucks when you like someone and you know you have 0% of them even getting to know you.

<3_______<3

omg omfg omfg ofmg omh omhgoidoijsdfoisd fi just started tearing up because i cant handle my feelings right now

Nasty Gal just released their Dec look book and Bambi was chosen as girl of the month. Everything about this is flawless in my opinion. This whole shoot radiates mod, 60's vibe with all the flowers, and pink tones and then crosses over to a very 80's/90's vibe with the acid washed jean jacket and leather overalls. I feel like over the last couple months Nasty Gal has really stepped up and started to become more well known for not just the clothes they're selling but becoming trendsetters since their audience is growing. Cant wait till that pink coat is on sale since it'll be the first thing on my Christmas list. xoxoxoxo

about to pass out in this fucking library

saving up pennys for u bby~!!!!!

last night i went out even thought i knew i had school today at 8 am. its been a while since i've decided to go out on a night that i knew i could really afford the sacrifice of sleep, but it was so lovely. I saw a lot of my friends that i havent seen in weeks. i got to talk to a couple of the members from body parts a band from LA which i have to say was really great live and the lead singer was so kind as well as the bassist. by the time i was truly enjoying myself i had to leave since i knew my body did need atleast some sleep. anyways this zine has been coming along really well and so far i've got a good amount of people involved. im so proud i've finally been achieving my goals. school wise i should focus more sighhhhh. im going to just invest myself into school for the next couple days and get all my zine stuff together and hopefully have it done by the end of the month! 

also, without sounding totally lame or super crazy yesterday i found a pair of prada shoes at squaresville and they're SO BEAUTIFUL AND THEY FIT ME AND THEY'RE CUTE STRAPY CARRIE BRADSHAW LIKE SHOES UGHH I AM SO INLOVE.  

<3 <3 <3

gawd i saw ian today and he was just so frikin cute and a babe. it makes me sad that our relationship might only ever be work. and then this guy at work gave me his number? he was okay but its like why cant cute boyz like me .___. there was this guy who got four shot chai and ohhh my god he was soooo beautiful best jaw bone structure aka top deal maker <3____<3 i was blushing so hard waaahhh, his name was issac mmm

Maverick Jeans advertisement, 1971.

so jonny replied to me!!! (i was sure he would but still its so exciting since he said he'd be willing to help!!!) and this man that works up the st from me and has a magazine stand and always sells oyster, dazed and confused, lula, etc said he would sell my zine on his stand and advertise it to people!!!! im going to work on my questions tonight im sososo happy!!!

so happy my poster is here now :))) im still waiting for my velvet underground poster (i think should be here soon!!!) and then my marc jacobs shirt. time for sleep i have to wake up so early tomorrow :(

<3 <3 <3

also my hair is getting lighter ughhh wtffff is this nooooo
:o

i brought my computer to school and now all i want to do is go back home and just sleep. after this class then i must catch the bus to work all the way to the other side of town. its like this never ends. I need to start saving up since i bought my new computer i didnt blow all of my money but i defiantly am back where i started a while ago. my goal is that by the end of dec or atleast mid dec i'll have enough for my portland trip. xxx

ugh the cute guy in my philosophy class flirts with the stupid dumb bimbo that sits near me and always talks about jesus and how much heaven is going to be a great place like he fucking reads nietzsche and dress semi skin head ((in a cute way idk)) and its like boy i get your style and i like what you read and i think we could have cool talks why dont you like me jesus christ why do boys always go for those stupid girls.

all i do is isolate myself
work
do shitty in school
and order pizza
AAALLLL THE TIMMEEEEEEEE

i miss this

christmas list:
-tim walkers book
-black pointy creepers
-grace coddingtons book
-the velvet undergrounds collection in vinyl
-daria on DVD
-girls season 1 <3
-houndstooth pants in black from american apparel
-vegan docs
<3____<3

i just want to lay in a field of daisies with you and listen to the velvet underground and drink chocolate soymilk

I now own a macbook pro. i am so happy i have worked so hard for this after dealing with my all worn out white 2007 macbook who's backlight always turns off and the battery is super shitty and turns off on me all the time but yay im so happy no more of that :3

ugh time to clean my room and wash my converse and my work clothes waaaaaah

i am often worried of what my friends will say of my writing. what other thinks or my work. that they'll judge me and think im trying to become an intellectual. i know they will think my writings is just teenage crap that sounds whiny and ignorant but i dont care. i write for that reason because if i dont document it in some way it'll leave my brain, thoughts, and dreams and some day when im forty with a shitty job i'll regret it on my way to sons soccer practice. i'll regret that i didnt start a band of my own, go to another city without any plan, leave the US, publish a book and live my life. i am so scared for the future but so secretly excited.

i don’t want to fall in love with someone who doesn't like the things i like. i know everyone says that but i often feel like people settle. people are afraid to look for that one person we dream of, the person we believe that we will magically run into at some hip bookstore while simon and garfunkel is playing on vinyl. it never happens, but only because we don’t wait and we cant wait. our society teaches us that time is going by and if things don’t happen when we they’re supposed to happen then it’ll never happen. I refuse for this to be, i am told by every “adult” in my life that i’m picky when it comes to dating but I know the universe has it out there for me. I’ll find that person, and we will have perfect and shitty nights and nights that consist of great passionate sex, and nights that never end. 

my perfect night is us two coming home together after the disgusting harsh day at work. I put on the velvet underground, undress myself and change. we cook something but half way cant even finish because we’re both simply too lazy (which is why we know we’re meant for each other) so we order pizza and while we wait watch parks and rec. 

the pizza arrives and its perfect in every way, we dont have furniture so we sit by the window where the view that we have of the city is semi blocked by the tree that we’re both to fond of to trim. we’re just sitting there watching this tree and one half of a view of  the city. I know this is just a moment in my life as human but as im here with you the one person who solely loves me for being the stubborn selfishy loving person i am, i am thankful. everything about you and i is wrong and right at the same time, we are everything society is against in terms of what is normal but right in everything that i believe. we finish our pizza and continue to listen to velvet underground, throw the box near the trash and get into bed. the house is messy, specifically a throw up of our disorganized week. as i look at you, laying next to me i think of all those times i doubted my fate in this universe. all the times i thought that maybe i wasnt meant to connect with another being the way i do with you. i love you with every part of my body, soul and mind and i wouldnt have this moment any other way. i sleep into the night laying next to you with this happiness that only comes from within the kind I cant necessarily explain, probably because I’ll end up sounding like a middle schooler who just had her first kiss and thinks she’s in love. however, i want this moment to last forever and i know it wont. it cant, it wouldnt be a moment if it did. so im happy that its ending or else how would i be able to call it a memory?

im sure its just my women hormones and crazy feelings that are taking over but this past week has been a roller coaster. how can one minute i be content but the other i am down and shattered? I really believe its just me and I should probably be checked into a mental ward so my emotion issues can be solved or maybe not, i dont know. I always wonder am i the only one who over analyzes my feelings? I always try to find meaning in my actions and why sometimes i unconsciously react the way i do to certain people/situations. I feel its to better understand myself since I am so unhappy with the person I am. Since middle school I remember I was always admiring those who were quite and kept to themselves, those kids in my class were always so mysterious to me, I always wanted to learn more about them and in some way wish I was them so people would want to learn more about me. I wonder if people think I'm interesting or bland, maybe i worry too much about what others think but then again maybe I just have the semi courage to write about it on the internet? (i dont know) I am certain though that I am in a time of my life where I am just lost, confused and trying to find my path in this herd of sheep society. 

today work was awful, it started off alright but lets just say that the minute i literally spilled a whole drink onto myself was my breaking point. ian came in and i'm glad i didnt take his order when i was on register. something happened to me today at work, this feeling overcame me and i've never felt this before. a wave of embarrassment just took me down and i had thoughts of "what am i doing with my life", "just look at me touching a fucking screen following this company rules, being a robot in society" things like this. I just felt as if i wanted to run out of there and go to the woods or connect with nature or something that was alive. i cant really describe what it was and i apologize if what i'm saying is unable to make sense in anyway. i often question life and humans and this world we've created for ourselves. i've been alienating myself from my friends, i know its not good but i dont want them to deal with me this way. they shouldnt have to see me sad or know that theres something wrong. i feel uncomfortable putting my problems onto others since often times im worried they'll think im a ~drama queen~ i dont know what to do, until tomorrow. 

i havent seen ian in so long :o i havent worked either in 6 days. its so weird and i dont like that im getting used to it. but at the same time i realized that i was making work my world and it was controlling me. its such a scary thought. this society keeps us busy so we never fully enjoy life. sometimes i just want to run away and start a new life in the country away from everything here. -sigh-

i watched american horror story tonight and this song was played in the scene sister eunice dances in the red lingerie that belonged to sister mary jude. that was probably my favorite scene of tonight episodes for endless reasons. other than the red symbolizing the devil and her taking off the cross necklace an action of rebellion of god i felt it could of looked in another way. the idea that during the 60's women were having an uprising and starting to claim their rights in society and how her wearing the red in a way was her claiming control of her body and her right to do whatever she wants with it. lately i feel that i've been going through many changes, spiritual, emotional, and mental. i started to really clean out my closet and i gave away so much clothes that I probably wont wear even if i like them. i still want to give away more since i'll always end up buying clothes and not wearing them. i took down a bunch of photos off my wall and im going to put all of my film into albums and organize them from the beginning of when i started documenting my life on film till now. i want my walls really empty and just have a couple things up. I bought a serge gainsbourg and jane birkin poster and a velvet underground poster and I want them put up when i finish my room. i think all of these changes are coming from my unhappiness with myself. i just feel like i could do more and i think the expectations i have for myself arent enough.

yay my movies came in from amazon! so happy.

things to do today:

-clean room
-laundry
-email jonny makeup <3
-get ready for work

last night i was off and i was drinking some tea near the pastry case and i kept looking to see when ian would come since i was waiting to get picked up. and i wasnt even paying attention anymore and i felt someone there and i turned around and it was him. i dont know how to quite explain it but we talked and i think i'd be happy just being his friend since he seems so sweet. he doesnt have a girlfriend. i just wish i could talk to him outside of work and ask him out without looking creepy. ~ but before that jonny makeup came in and i was so excited and happy i havent seen him in a while. i love working at night since i get to actually make people drinks and talk to them. like this one guy bruce comes in and always orders either a small coffee or a frapp but he listens to the waterfall on tape with this big headphones and practices pre calc. sometimes i wish more people could see little things like that.

i just got home from work and the first thing i saw was this video and it made me super sad that its not summer and i havent see adam in months. i cant wait till he comes in dec, im getting my license this friday and i'll finally be able to take myself places im so excited.

its it I.