im sure its just my women hormones and crazy feelings that are taking over but this past week has been a roller coaster. how can one minute i be content but the other i am down and shattered? I really believe its just me and I should probably be checked into a mental ward so my emotion issues can be solved or maybe not, i dont know. I always wonder am i the only one who over analyzes my feelings? I always try to find meaning in my actions and why sometimes i unconsciously react the way i do to certain people/situations. I feel its to better understand myself since I am so unhappy with the person I am. Since middle school I remember I was always admiring those who were quite and kept to themselves, those kids in my class were always so mysterious to me, I always wanted to learn more about them and in some way wish I was them so people would want to learn more about me. I wonder if people think I'm interesting or bland, maybe i worry too much about what others think but then again maybe I just have the semi courage to write about it on the internet? (i dont know) I am certain though that I am in a time of my life where I am just lost, confused and trying to find my path in this herd of sheep society. 

today work was awful, it started off alright but lets just say that the minute i literally spilled a whole drink onto myself was my breaking point. ian came in and i'm glad i didnt take his order when i was on register. something happened to me today at work, this feeling overcame me and i've never felt this before. a wave of embarrassment just took me down and i had thoughts of "what am i doing with my life", "just look at me touching a fucking screen following this company rules, being a robot in society" things like this. I just felt as if i wanted to run out of there and go to the woods or connect with nature or something that was alive. i cant really describe what it was and i apologize if what i'm saying is unable to make sense in anyway. i often question life and humans and this world we've created for ourselves. i've been alienating myself from my friends, i know its not good but i dont want them to deal with me this way. they shouldnt have to see me sad or know that theres something wrong. i feel uncomfortable putting my problems onto others since often times im worried they'll think im a ~drama queen~ i dont know what to do, until tomorrow.