i dont know what it is exactly. your sweet simple smile, the bags under your eyes that only proves you're a hard worker, the tired look you have, the anti name brand clothing you wear, its everything about you that im attracted to. i've never experienced such nervousness around another human, i feel as if every atom in my body is about to fall apart whenever i talk to you. there's always so much left unsaid, so much i want to talk to you about. i try every night to keep my composure but i just fall apart at the look of your face. i don want to say the wrong things or make the wrong impression. i just really want this to work.

my room is beyond messy, it just looks like a throw up of my life at the moment. books everywhere, unwanted papers hidden between the piles of clean/dirty clothing on the floor. i just want to sleep, to disappear or rather to wake up and have everything be perfect. tomorrow is rookie and im going with my best friend to see a band i once thought would be my favorite band forever. im not sure what to do today, maybe lunch at flore, or cowboys and turban or maybe babycakes. i havent been there in a while. i need to start drawing more, maybe i'll buy a moleskin. (another one) which reminds me i cant wait for the new year so i can use my frida khalo planner. i was thinking this morning maybe i should take a trip to san francisco. i've been wanting to for the last couple months, or maybe return to new york next january. my eyes swell up at the idea of going back. only because i miss it so much there, i feel this  feeling of home whenever i think of that city. i think down deep inside i know i'm meant to live there. Los angeles brings me sadness, the streets at night are empty and lonely. rarely any nightlife, its a city that sleeps and wakes up. I need to be in an environment that is always alive.

i think tonight when ian comes in im going to slap myself (not really & not infront of him) and ask him if he's been to flore before.