work was shitty. well yesterday it was awful i cried the whole way home since my co worker said something and it really bothered me. i really try my hardest at work and i know my stupid feelings get in the way and i forget my job is to serve people but i really care about trying my hardest ugh idk i couldnt stop crying on the bus and it was so embarrassing since tears kept coming down my eyes and i was trying to cover them. by the time i got home my mascara was irritating my eyes i couldnt take it. i felt like i couldnt call anyone, i just didnt want to seem needy, it was the worst feeling ever. 

i didnt see ian yesterday and i didnt see him today. both today and yesterday i was just thinking about what i would say to him about hanging out maybe or getting vegan food maybe? i dont know what to call the feelings i have when i see him. i want to say its different and even thats so cliche but its just this feeling of nervousness that i cant control and not because he's older since i've liked people older than me and i havent felt nervous around them. its been almost a month now and this feeling of nervousness wont go away idk if he feels something and im so scared to even ask since my biggest fear is that the situation is simply that he just sees me as some young girl who works at starbucks and has a crush on him with weird hopes of it being something someday. fuck fuck fuck. 

to top it off i need to finish xmas shopping ((holidays are a hard time for me)) and study for my final.