i bought this super cute hat today plus this awesome long sleeve button up!!! the shirt is from j crew and the hat is from topshop (': i also bought super cute socks with trimming!! i might wear it tomorrow to go see pageants at the echo <3 i'm still on the search for nikes to wear this summer (or balances) i want the right kind since i'll be dropping almost 100 dollars on them which is alot~ but it'll be worth it!!!

at times i feel like i am the luckiest person in the world when it comes to friends. i become so thankful i want to cry and thank the universe because i never thought that i would see they day where i would have true friends who would love the same things as i and support me and love me the way they do.
growing up in elementary school i never felt like i fit in, my thoughts were never ones that my peers related to and often times i was looked at as being weird~ and the same went for middle school, i always felt isolated. even when i had "friends" they were just people who i had slight things in common with. their priorities were often very superficial and would rather much talk about boys other than politics and movies and how pretty flowers are or just life in general. i found myself just walking around and going to the library and just staring at the walls or people watched and listened to others conversations just admiring life itself. it was so hard for me to make true friends. highschool happened and it was even harder. i would come home and cry because i didnt understand how i couldnt just relate. and i tried so hard to talk about all the dumb things they talked about, partying, going out, gossip but i couldnt and i kept feeling like i could never find a group of friends. it didnt help that when i would talk to my parents about it they would blame me and say i was an awful friend and i was doing this to myself. somehow and magically things started to change and i met josh and we became friends and i cant even beging to explain how thankful i am for him. and then i met more wonderful people and mountair happened and mikey happened and finally i found a crowd that appreciated alterative music and things that werent widely accepted. and then melissa happened. im so thankful for melissa, i cant believe through working at starbucks i met one of the greatest persons in the world. her and her husband (who's a fucking professor at usc ok) are so amazing, i drove out to their apt in long beach which was so far but so worth it. its so beautiful inside and they both have so much literature everywhere and vinyl and they love popculture they way i do and appreciate me and talk to me and when im around them i forget about 18 and what 18 represents (youth, wildness, naiveness). they make me feel so equal to them and actually listen and i just cant express how happy i am around them. they cooked me the most wonderful dinner and we talked about adderall, and literature and watched pretty wild and boys and life. they mean so much to me and melissa always jokes about how im her adopted mexican daughter <3 <3 <3 when my root canal happened she texted me asking how it went, caring more than my father and mother who refused to go with me. same goes with jorin, he always listens to me and the day i visited him at his apt he made me feel so comfortable and ordered me breadsticks and we watched netflix and hopefully soon we'll go to brite spot again and i love his hugs. when im sad i just think about the people in my life and how much i love them and how happy they make me and then everything is a little more ok.

i've written 3 new songs for ta gueule!! i hope band practice happens soon

if theres anything that i hate more than being lied to its looking stupid )))):

BUT apart from that!!


today i spent the whole day with erik, i came over and i just slept on his bed and we watched part of ghost world and went to the northridge mall~  i love him so much and im glad he's my best friend. its so crazy to me how a year ago we were seniors and all we did was complain about our lives, both didnt drive, never got to really hang out or do anything and now its the complete opposite. i remember never wanting to be his friend and hating him but he was so persistant and idk he's always been there for me in the weirdest ways. friendships are so wonderful and im always amazed when i look back how much has changed and how back then i never thought my life would be like the way it is now. i finally get to drive places alone, visit people, drive out to places alone, wear what i want and just be more of who i want to be. idk why all of this is making me so sad, i feel as if i can see myself really getting older and its not as bad but its also so scary how things change so fast and one day im walking down the st to the bus stop in the middle of the valley and the next im driving down sunset alone. time is so scary and it makes me happy and sad, feelings feelings feeeeelings~
<3
i also go this pretty eyeliner today!!!

sorry i havent been posting lately!!! )):

im typing this while im in my merch class. i sit all the way in the back hehehe just because i like to be left alone and im always scared of being picked on. we're watching this youtube video on the burning in pakistan. im so confused since i was a few min late trying to put money in the meter and i didnt have money in my account so my debit card kept getting denied )): and i only had bills and everyone i asked said they didnt have change!! liars!!! i fucking hate santa monica everyone here is so rude and spoiled. i think next semester im going to go to pasadena, the drive is so much and i cant handle driving out here at 6 am !!! im so sososo tired and i have work later ew. its ok since i have tomorrow of !!! (-: time go get a hair cut. 

being in love with vegan boy was emotionally hard for me because he was so unattainable but at the same time there was a part of me that snapped out of it at times and knew it was just me being silly and what sucks about liking someone who is attainable and doesnt show interest is that you constantly question yourself why and whats wrong with you and why and why and why and why and why

why am i crying why am i sad!!!
out of no where why !!! im a princess and i shouldnt be sad i should be happy

the frog in my throat well its holdin down the truth behind 99% of my jokin like the times i invite you over to choke it out

and every single time you decline and i try to joke about it. i got a fire that u can stoke and now i’m kanye after accidents im lyin down wired up with a broken mouth

i wanna lay you down and jus poke around u hear what i spoke aloud and say, louder, i see your outer facade and it’s brittle, you fiddle with me a little, im little but i can jiggle and juggle but i admit it you puzzle me like a riddle, i might as well nibble on the bits n kibbles cuz yr doggin me and the frog in my throat is gonna croak, i wanna get over you i want out of the fog that ive been cloaked in

cuz youre fuckin raw, youre droppin jaws in the streets watch it, you’re fuckin raw as the streets, i see your outer shell and its brittle you fiddle with me a little, im little but i can jiggle and juggle but i admit it you puzzle me like a riddle, i might as well nibble on the bits n kibbles cuz yr doggin me and the frog in my throat is gonna croak, i wanna get over you i want out of the fog and i thought i wanted to be tied up and clawed at, but i’m a fraud i’m really terrified of all that

so i take it slow do a great job (tim & eric) but i always was a terrible judge of character, all you wanna do is tear it up, i know but cant you be noble like captain america?? i wanna stare at ya i wanna stare at ya i wanna stare at ya i wanna stare at ya i wanna….

i wanna sit n stare atcha i wanna sit and stare atcha like the streets watch i wanna go home with you and see yr 3 socks strewn around your bedroom 6 am i gotta jet soon, leave locks of my hair around your restrooms and i need 2 find peace, spas to chill in steam rooms full of heat rocks 

i don want u i just need 2 detox and i dont want you i just need a detox

this whole song just blows my mind

i love kitty so much her music means so much to me and its amazing how much i can relate to this song. literally almost ever verse

<3 ________ <3

today was literally so wonderful

even though it was so fucking hot i literally got to see so many people i love

there was a mountair event at csun and after i ate with bryce and oksana <3 <3 <3 and then i drove bryce home and it was just so lovely and then i visited ximena who i havent seen in months (literally since highschool) and it was so lovely, she means so much to me and i can tell anything knowing she wont ever judge me. we got in and out ( i just got fries ) so much nostalgia from highschool when i would come over and just eat and complain about our lives and boys and we sat in the grass looking at the sky talking about boys~ and then after i visited erik at his housie!!! im so happy i saw him again and i jumped on his bed and it was so lovely. i need to start making more of an effort to visit them and hang out with them. even though gas is so expensive, it was so worth it. they're two people from highschool that still mean so much to me!!!

dear universe
will you please
let me get this one wish
you know how bad i want this
how much i need this


my feelings arent silly
my feelings arent stupid
my feelings are real
why wont you believe me

dear universe
do you hear me
screaming about how i feel
about the boy i like

I DELETED THE TEXT FROM THIS TEXT POST BECAUSE THIS BOY IS STUPID AND DESERVES TO BE SPIT ON. 

THE END. 

last night i came home so tired from lot 1 and i slept at 2 and woke up with just enough time to go to work and i just got home from a full 8 hour shift ))): im sososos sleepy but i still have to make food and finish scanning ~_~ and then tomorrow i work again all day and i really want to see my friends art work at moca and then i'll drive over to the echo for a show i bought tickets for (kinda regret it) and then monday early morning im picking up my book
it neeeverrrr eeeeends~~!!!!!!

i thought i'd make a post on the dumbest photos i take of myself on photobooth lol

 me trying to be serious~

me trying to be silly

 
i really didnt want to work that day

me being stupid

showing off my bag

again trying to be cute but failing

im so proud of this photo!!!!

my kitty whom i love with my whole heart

i took this because i thought i couldnt go to kitty pryde at bootleg and i was on the floor crying about to throw up on the phone with josh 

before i cooked the most wonderful eggplant !!!!!

im really happy i saw kitty perform last night. i went completely alone which i think made it a little better and i just ended up really enjoying her performance and i talked to her after and it made me soososos happy!!! 

today i was supposed to work in the day time but i guess im closing which is ok because i dont mind ~_~ its a thursday night so it should be slow and i closed the other night and it was ok!!! hopefully it'll be as easy as it was last time. i get out at 12 and usually i would visit a friend of mine but i think its best i stop doing that and just take the freeway home to avoid temptation. maybe ian will come in and we can exchange emails!! i want to be his friend, and i think the fact that i havent seen him as often has really helped me to balance my feelings. 

ALSO 

i found out last night the drums are playing in june and josh and i are going to go and wait all day to see them perform!!!! i really love their music and i think they have a timeless sound, im so sososoooo exciteeeed!!! 

im so thankful that i've gotten to see people perform in the last week and i just remembered beach fossils is this sunday!!!!!

im so excited for tonight, i've been waiting for tonight for a really long time and i refuse to let anything mess it up. 

i hope she performs this tonight, its one of my favorite songs off her old ep. 

eeeeeee im sooooo eeeexcciiiiteeeeeedd!!!!!

i hope she has merch omfg i just realized i should have her sign my sticker with her face on it :3 

i drove to beach and stood there alone just staring out into the ocean. i started crying, i swear to god i was just taken back by how beautiful nature is and how lovely the beach was. i wanted to be there forever and take it all in. i walked around and was just observing the surfers and thinking about how wonderful their connection with the ocean must be. i didnt go in but i tired to just ~be in the moment and forget about all my stupid problems. sadly reality hit and i had to go home. im gonna watch parks and rec, shower, go to my sisters open house and then smith westerns with john!!! (mark and adam will be there hehe)

im so exciteeeeeeed~!!!!! 

SO FRIKIN EXCITED IM GOING TO PEEEEE

with lakutis
aka i get to hear hey shawty pt 3.0 live aka dream come true

i love my co worker jorin. he always makes my day and gives me the most kind heart warming hugs when i have bad days. i hope he has his own store soon because i'd be more than willing to work at that location. today i was talking to him about my boy situation and he was telling me how he'd be willing to go down to that guys work and say something (although completely un-needed) it was the thought that he'd be willing to that means so much to me. i hope we hang out again outside of work, soon and i'll bring fruit to his apt and we'll watch netflix and talk about his girl problems. when i left he gave me the kindest hug that made me feel so much better and kissed my forehead. usually things like that irritate me but he's like the big brother i never had. 

also im excited for smith westerns tomorrow night!!!

*~*~*~*~*~*~~*~*~*~*~*~**~*~*~*~*~*

ok im making a post about this, im making a promise to myself i'm going to end this. im better than this and i deserve better than this, and i need to stop making this situation in my head diffrent than it actually is in reality. i am so stupid i am human

i keep forgetting im human

but

i just want to cry

i refuse to let this happen to me again, im going to watch girls, get high, listen grimes, & sleep.


monday
work & mountair

tuesday
school & smith westerns

wed
(just decided im taking myself to the getty) & kitty pryde

thursday
work

friday
mountair & work


its going to be o k a y

just got home
*~*~*~**~~*~*~*~*~*
went to work, closed, dropped off my co worker, visited my friend at work, walked down sunset alone, drove home while best coast played in my car, called cole, parked, drank two things of soy milk and now im typing this

i've been in this postion all day until i decided it was time to get ready for work (which was 15 min ago)

im having a mid life crisis at 18

i dont think i can live anymore 

im contemplating getting up and getting ready and going to oreans before work but laying in my bed all dday before work sounds good to since the pain im in right now is literally killing me

really happy mitch replied to my email
yayayayay

i've gotten a lot better with my diet, i've been eating so many veggies and taking my vitamins and making protien shakes

i get paid friday which is exciting cause that means i'll get to go grocery shopping! (which i love) since i get to figure out what im going to eat for the next two weeks. i always get mushrooms, spinach, yogurt, and flowers along with other goodies.

im trying really hard to stay positive

i miss the park

off to the dentist!!! im late!!!! then after im gonna take myself out to eat
(-:

-mountair meeting
-spring breakers for the 3rd time
-hair cut
-film developed
-new dress

*~*~*~*~*~*~*

mmmm pizzzaaaa

last night was interesting
i came home much later than expected but im glad i made it home
today was just a giant blur of chores
i got my tips from work and went to cvs, and came home to clean and cook and now im just finishing laundry and trying to get ready for this week


this song reminds me of last night in general 

fuck fuck fuck fuck
i really was confused
should i have stayed
or was it good that i left
i dont fucccking knowww now
im happy being at home but maybe its just the stupid part of me
yeah its jsut me being stupid

everyone was really nice to me after i performed alst night
it made me feel really good about the band im in and how i want to play more this summer


oooo summer goals~

I DONT WAAAaNT TOOO waKEE UPpPPP
in an hour im supposed to be a pehr and my hair is literally all over the place and im such a mess
i have two outfits to change out of
help
i have a problem

i want a giant poster of this in my room

tomorrow im going to perform for julies birthday and im actually a bit nervous since there's going to be more than just my friends there and there are good bands playing that practice all the time and i guess im just letting these feelings get to me. ive been listening to grimes so much lately, i hope she plays los angeles soon. her music has come to mean so much to me, when you listen to the lyrics in her music they're so much more relatable than you'd think. ughhh i wish i could hide under my blanket and just sleep all day. i hate when my anxiety takes over. and then sundaaay ahhh sunday fuck. 

i have to get a root canal
i woke up the other morning with the worst pain in the world, i wanted to crash my car because i really felt the pain from the crash would be much better than the pain i was feeling at the moment

so i drove to class on thursday and i the pain hit me as soon as i got off the freeway, i couldnt even really focus on my test and i ran out and then i had to drive out all the way to alhambra only to find out that i would have to pay almost 1,000 dollars to get my root canal done. (which is money i dont have) im already so stressed out as it is trying to save money and then this comes up which basically puts me at zero since now i'll have to pay this off before i can start saving money for anything.

ughhgidfhoaihdgioahdsf and this whole fucking weekend is a giant stress ball since theres so much to do. after work last night (thankfully i got to leave a little early) and i went to visit my friend at work and he forced me to get veggie soup which was the first real thing i ate that whole day (the vicoden i had to constantly keep taking was making me feel all the nausea your body could ever experience and more) it was a little salty but it made me felt better. i drove home since it was too busy for us to talk and i came home unable to sleep again having to take more pain killers.


its almost 11 and i still need to shower and get ready, its so hard to feel excited about anything with this pain.
and to top it off my dad could care less about what im going through which rocks but when theres something to his benefit he'll be there~ same with my mother who i spoke to yesterday for the first time in almost half a year.

when did growing up become so fucking difficult when did all these responsibilities come? i want to run away.

im a bad friend to you because you'll never appreciate me if im a good friend
im a bad friend to you because its the only way this will work
im a bad friend to you because it helps me get over you
im a bad friend to you because then maybe you'll see how bad of a friend you are

i went to the park today alone it was so wonderful

also this fucker came out at me and i literally screamed out loud in the park and everyone stared at me like i was a crazy person

i drove home after work and i parked near my house and i left the car on and i just sat there listening to music. i started crying, i got into a tift with my co worker and i felt really bad and she was so angry at me and i wanted to quit. this week just has been really hard on me and im so stressed theres so much going on and i hate to tell people my problems. im so thankful for josh, he always listens to my problems and actually understands me. i have practice tomorrow and after i was going to drive to the park to have a relaxing studying day with me. maybe next week i'll drive to the beach ( i've been meaning to do so lately ) and just relax.


this really creepy guy hit on me on me today at work and i just felt so gross i wanted to spit in his face. im so disgusted by men sometimes and how they think they own women. i made a status about it on facebook and wearing a wedding ring and people think im trying to be funny. i dont find it funny i find it sickening that i have to fake my status so i feel safe are you fucking kidding me


im just going to curl up in my bed and re watch season one of girls (again)

just came from school and im rushing to make food since i have work at 1:45 to 10:00 pm ):

i have to remember im making moneeeey for nyccccc *~*~*~*~~*  

sssssCHOOOllll I dont LIKKEEEE YOUUUUUUU
i cleaned out my closet before work today and im really happy everything looks clean and i have iced coffee ready for tomorrow morning since i have to wake up so early
~_~

im really trying hard to save my money and i get mad at myself for at the end of the day spending too much
like today
i want to get flore before work but i need to keep my money and i have to pay for gas tomorrow and my phone bill is coming up


waaaaah
i just want enough money for ny and my guitar