me n mikeys hand
<3 <3 <3

my grandama died today so i called out of work and i've slept all day ((literally all day)) i've experienced death before but not like this, maybe its cause grandamas represent kindness and lovelyness and being spoiled endlessly and mine was so far away and i havent visited her in so long. this morning when i saw my missed call and i swear i just knew it was for that reason, last night too i felt this energy and i feel like she talked to me last night through my dream. maybe because of that i feel sad but i feel connected to her like she sees me now always. it sounds silly but its just this energy that i feel around me, i miss her so much but im really am thankful that her beautiful spirit is in a better place now.

a great human being 

what i wore on christmas! 

my american apparel dress~* and the coat paris gave me :3 

my room is so messy hehehe

also my secret santa paris got me the most beautiful coatish jacket ever <3 it screams blair waldorf vibes. thank you so much paris its one of the most thoughtful gifts i've received!

holiday party!

((john received fifty shades of grey from katie, me caught in the act of eating and laughing, gawby laughing))

((i was andrie's secret santa! hehe, mikey laughing, bayo wearing a hat))

((drunk,drunk, mikey))

((robyn being robyn~, bryce drunk [or in the process of getting there], katie being katie~))

                                                    

                                                    ((joshua dean and i))

<3

((gawby, bayo, josh, john, laura, bryce, josh, andrie, oksana, hugo, paris, mikey, robyn, katie, julie and i))

my friends and i had a holiday party held my dear friends johns house. we all had a secret santa and exchanged gifts. it was one of the most memorable holiday experiences i've had. im not a big holiday person and i find it hard to get into the holiday spirit however that night i had so much fun being with everyone else i finally got a sense of holiday and the thankfulness you have for your friends, the kind you only hear about in cheesy holiday movies. i dont know what i'd do without my friends im so thankful for them and all the memories we've had this past year~ its crazy how everyone important in my life has come from outside of school experiences and no one from high school has proven to really be a part of my life. ((except for joshua~)) 2012 has been a crazy year, i've learned so much about myself and really started to take responsibility. i got a job that i've had for more than two months now, i've found a group of friends that i really care for and can be myself around, i started to become comfortable with the idea of "growing up and being a woman~" all i can say is that i still have work to do and change but for the most part i am so happy about this past year and i love everyone that's taken a part of my life.

i always wonder about how the universe works, if it puts people in your life for a reason. as well as how it can take them out so fast. i havent seen ian in a week and i have been continuously thinking of him. maybe its cause he's so mysterious to me. i've thought of him so much i forgot that tomorrow jacob is flying in. i forgot that i had been looking forward to this for months. i forgot about my feelings, how silly and stupid am i?


im heart broken over a relationship i never had. all based of something i made up in my head but i've felt like this for almost 2 months now and im trying hard to scrape away these feelings but they just wont budge. does this mean i should keep trying? 

i finished christmas shopping :3 well i still need about two more gifts but i got paid today so i will go look around the city~ 

i sometimes cant stand this, i cant stand being me. who i am. i am no one, there is nothing special about me and it seems as if everyone around me has something going for them except for me. i'd like to disappear some days just go off into nothing and stay nothing. i cried in the car before i came into the house for almost an hour. i couldnt call anyone since everyone i'd call i would know is doing something worth while. i question myself so often its ridiculous, oh my i just wish i could go away. 

i still have to finish christmas shopping, it amazes me how its already the "holidays". i still feel like its summer, or school time. 

-sigh-

what am i doing? 

work was shitty. well yesterday it was awful i cried the whole way home since my co worker said something and it really bothered me. i really try my hardest at work and i know my stupid feelings get in the way and i forget my job is to serve people but i really care about trying my hardest ugh idk i couldnt stop crying on the bus and it was so embarrassing since tears kept coming down my eyes and i was trying to cover them. by the time i got home my mascara was irritating my eyes i couldnt take it. i felt like i couldnt call anyone, i just didnt want to seem needy, it was the worst feeling ever. 

i didnt see ian yesterday and i didnt see him today. both today and yesterday i was just thinking about what i would say to him about hanging out maybe or getting vegan food maybe? i dont know what to call the feelings i have when i see him. i want to say its different and even thats so cliche but its just this feeling of nervousness that i cant control and not because he's older since i've liked people older than me and i havent felt nervous around them. its been almost a month now and this feeling of nervousness wont go away idk if he feels something and im so scared to even ask since my biggest fear is that the situation is simply that he just sees me as some young girl who works at starbucks and has a crush on him with weird hopes of it being something someday. fuck fuck fuck. 

to top it off i need to finish xmas shopping ((holidays are a hard time for me)) and study for my final. 

meeep~

i saw ian yesterday and as usual its hard to talk since im working and i always want to talk to him and just hang out but i'm younger so i would feel really stupid asking him and he would probably think of me as some adolescent baby. i try so hard not to be nervous and not in the "dont be nervous" way in the actual mind power calm down way. i still fail, my hands shake and i end up somewhat slurring my words and its so unfair since he's never seen me act "normal" or just how i usually act ((calm and collected)). he came in the other day asking for a large hot water since it was cold out and he was going to give it to this homeless guy he often gives food to ((this only makes him more perfect <3__<3)) so next time i see him i think i'll tell him that i'll save some of the markouts to give to him for the homeless man. fuck its just so unfair that i only get to have this relationship at work, i wish i could actually be friends with him. 6_6

i have spent the whole day literally doing nothing, i should probably start studying for my final. oops, and i need to finish reading graces book! i started as soon as i bought it and its so wonderfully read and it makes me feel like im reading this real life fairy tale.

school girl vibes

i met grace today, and because i am still in shock i cant even type out the whole story or else i'll just cry again.

there's something so beautiful and timeless about this band. they're all i've been listening for the last couple months. i feel that whenever i enter a new stage of my life there's always a band that i obsess over and right now its the velvet underground. they influence the way i see life aswell as the way i dress and carry myself. it makes a lot of sense since i've been choosing to just socially stray away and just keep to myself and try to really focus on "growing up". some of their lyrics are sad and often times take me to dark place and trigger feelings and thoughts that are a bit confrontational in the most beautiful way. i just wish i could express my love for them and scream to the top of my lungs "I LAAAAAVEE YOUUU VELVET UNDERGROUND BEST BAND AAAAVAAAARRRR" like a five year old and dance with myself in my room without appearing like a total weirdo. 

p.s i love them so much i bought a poster of them ((which is very rare that i'll spend money on something like a posterllololol))

anyways my goals for the next couple days are as follows;

-read more

-finish xmas shopping (i bought gawbys gift and its the best one everrr <3)

-wear more knee high socks 

-save my moneys

-work work work on my projects!

-try to make ian be my actual friend heheheh

life really sucks when you like someone and you know you have 0% of them even getting to know you.

<3_______<3

omg omfg omfg ofmg omh omhgoidoijsdfoisd fi just started tearing up because i cant handle my feelings right now

Nasty Gal just released their Dec look book and Bambi was chosen as girl of the month. Everything about this is flawless in my opinion. This whole shoot radiates mod, 60's vibe with all the flowers, and pink tones and then crosses over to a very 80's/90's vibe with the acid washed jean jacket and leather overalls. I feel like over the last couple months Nasty Gal has really stepped up and started to become more well known for not just the clothes they're selling but becoming trendsetters since their audience is growing. Cant wait till that pink coat is on sale since it'll be the first thing on my Christmas list. xoxoxoxo

about to pass out in this fucking library

saving up pennys for u bby~!!!!!

last night i went out even thought i knew i had school today at 8 am. its been a while since i've decided to go out on a night that i knew i could really afford the sacrifice of sleep, but it was so lovely. I saw a lot of my friends that i havent seen in weeks. i got to talk to a couple of the members from body parts a band from LA which i have to say was really great live and the lead singer was so kind as well as the bassist. by the time i was truly enjoying myself i had to leave since i knew my body did need atleast some sleep. anyways this zine has been coming along really well and so far i've got a good amount of people involved. im so proud i've finally been achieving my goals. school wise i should focus more sighhhhh. im going to just invest myself into school for the next couple days and get all my zine stuff together and hopefully have it done by the end of the month! 

also, without sounding totally lame or super crazy yesterday i found a pair of prada shoes at squaresville and they're SO BEAUTIFUL AND THEY FIT ME AND THEY'RE CUTE STRAPY CARRIE BRADSHAW LIKE SHOES UGHH I AM SO INLOVE.  

<3 <3 <3

gawd i saw ian today and he was just so frikin cute and a babe. it makes me sad that our relationship might only ever be work. and then this guy at work gave me his number? he was okay but its like why cant cute boyz like me .___. there was this guy who got four shot chai and ohhh my god he was soooo beautiful best jaw bone structure aka top deal maker <3____<3 i was blushing so hard waaahhh, his name was issac mmm

Maverick Jeans advertisement, 1971.