silly me

<3oksana<3

i tired quitting then i quit quitting at work when i thought about ian and started crying outside in the alley way on my ten min break 

i was the happiest person on the planet when avi visited me at work 

i havent seen you in a week
i've avoided you so much you'll never know
breaking up with the idea of you, heartbroken over a relationship i never had
what am i supposed to do now
praying i wont see you tomorrow

2morrow

school/work/britespotw/jorin!

friday
off!
going to maddies event at space15twenty<3
(i get paid!!! hheeheh)

saturday
work babyshift
mountair!!!
hanging out with avi c:

sunday
work~ might see har!!!




*~*~*~*~*~*~*
so many good outfits to plan

my dreams have been so shitty lately maybe its that im trying to let go of ian and its affecting me. i was taking a nap and i started drowning and i woke up so scared,i really thought i was drowning so weird i wanted to call my mom then i just remembered i havent talked to her in months 

 im going to the smell later 2night gonna rawk out to pangea alone in the corner hehehe 

looking at morrissey tickets on craigslist for friday night

i hope he plays this if i end up going, its my favorite song and it means so much to me

i decided to go out tonight for myself and start moving on and start focusing on myself and i walked into the echo and saw erik and andrea and it was such a lovely surprise and i ended up meeting pauline and her photographer friend! the guy from zig zags is such a babe i talked to him too, im so happy im going to stuff alone again. i need to start loving my own company again!
<3

avi and i talked for a hour so in his car about music and it was so wonderful then i gave him some weed and a kitty pryde sticker thats in his car foreverrr! hehee

im going to finish this, i cant do this anymore to myself. ive spent so much energy and it was wonderful but theres comes a limit and although i didnt want to hear it its true. its getting so bad it physically attacking me.  im going to go along in life, and im going to love myself more and remind myself the reason for getting my job was to move away

my feelings are stupid and ridiculous and i cant help to just sit in my room on the floor and just hate myself

i would trade every single time a boy gave me attention or flirted with me at work for ian to give me the slightest bit of attention
just ughhghghghghhghg

thats all i want

sad since i dont my car today but its okay taking the bus will make my day feel like im getting more use out of life if that makes sense
last night i performed for johns birthday and although i had had a beer by the time i performed i was already sobering up but i still got crazy and it just kinda comes out i cant put it into words
gordon zoloft was there and tj said hes going to ask us to play them, which is really cool~

john i hope you had a lovely evening and everything went well! we all love you so much and you're such a big part of our lives and we cant thank you enough for all kindess in your heart.

yucky i have to go work ))): but its okay i have to remember im making moneys~ and i might see ian its been a week!!! i miss him so much and last night i performed a song about him well most of my songs were inspired by him and this other boy but mostly him <3____<3 and how nervous i am around him and how i cant get it together ever

i secretly hope he notices im not there and then maybe when he sees me today he'll mention something like "hey where were you?" that would make me so happy heehehe but i probably should get my hope up

always amazed by my feelings

after my stupid hang out
i went to intelligentsia and got the most wonderful chia tea latte <3____<3  and then journaled about my favorite collections and walked to flore and got pastries. i called harmony<3 and saw if she was outside of the echo but she was already inside so i missed her. i was so happy i went out by myself so much. i love the colors and light driving down sunset from silverlake into echo park then the lovely bridge near my house.

i love josh so much we can literally talk and be so negative and in the end he's literally my best friend, he always understands me so well idk its so weird. its crazy how we've been friends since highschool and all the times we just sat in his room with no friends and eat veggie delight mmm
i miss veggie delight so much and stupid highschool us ahhhaah

tomorrow is my first day of work in three days

i had this mini vacation which involved alot of driving and a lot of crying and stupidness. i think its best i continue working endlessly and just focus on saving my money to get out of here. i cant wait to leave this place. i drove out to meet a friend today hoping to do something nice for his/her birthday and in the end i realized he/she wasnt even really a good friend or respectful at all. however it was a little too late since i had already given my gift away. sitting in intelligentsia over hearing the couple next to me talking about their friends and then the other two people who are studying. the guy in the front is doing something on his mac im not quite sure. i love people watching and just admiring those around me and those who keep coming in. 

i want to drive far away to just get away from here
but no where seems far enough and the beach is too far
ha how silly is that right?
i keep debating it
so im just wasting my time in bed
i miss summer so much just being free and endless fun

boston air plane
boat in new york looking out the window
lauren early
dad sick cant get out of bed
playing tea cups in bed
my sisters playing
me running away trying to find lauren
she wont help me
i start crying cause i dont want to leave new york

i miss new york so much i keep having dreams about going there and staying there forever

probably my favorite look from marc jacobs fw13 collection

so flawless and wonderful

sitting in the library looking at the wonderful collections that have been shown in the last couple weeks. i love fashion week so much. 

the couple infront of me is kissing, great~ 

<3 <3 <3

Those days when I would sit around with you
Oh, there's nothing like it
And even when my heart was black and blue
Oh, there's nothing like it
And everything before and after you
Oh, it doesn't cut it

around 6 i drove to the grove by myself and i took the streets and it was so nice i listened to the ramones the whole way there and looked at all the pretty lights down sunset and fairfax. i ended up buying these cute pants and after i went to astros by myself and ate this yummy chicken burger mmmmmmmmmm

im so excited for spring break instead of coachella im buying tickets to visit lauren early in new york i cant wait to go back to my future home place i miss it so much i already know i'll just break down with happiness to see prince st and all of the places i was with adam i might just also visit this girl who i met at zine fest that is this part of this feminist collective that held these really great zine full of women power! she lives in brooklyn and i have her email and she said she'd help me find a room to rent if i wanted to move there this year im so excited!!! 

tomorrow is band practice so after class me hugo and ford are gonna go to the brite spot and eat and then practice *~~*~* 

<3____<3

ian posted a bunch of pictures of him and this girl who im sure the americano is for and theres a couple of them hugging and kinda kissing. im sad but then im happy to know i didnt express my feelings since if i would of i would of just felt stupid. i miss him, i wish we could just be friends since he's someone i want in my life and i want to hang out with.

i have to wait till five so my day can start ):


*cries*

its one am so i guess TODAY

i have the car to myself!!! AND THE WHOLE DAY OFF!!!


things to do!

-apple store
-topshop!
-go to the beach
-brite spot
-call avi and see where he is

im going to use the whole day and shoot everything i see and work on finishing up my project im so excited!!! i cant wait to just go around and photograph everything i see

its going to be ok im going to be ok im going to live im going to breathe positive energy will come and good things will come to me.

its my friends birthday coming up and i've been working on his mix cd for the last week or so and every song i've chosen has a specific reason and reminds me of him in a special way.

letting go is a really difficult thing to do but im going to remind myself that its going to be ok!

i've worked so hard. so hard to appeal as mature as possible trying to make up for the years of life i've had. i've tried so hard to keep it together to make an impression to just be the most attractive as possible without him even thinking of my age. i already know how this is going to go, he's going to avoid me and its just going to be awful and i dont care what anyone says, i know he is. only because when he asked me my age and i avoided it. its already bad enough i cant relate in terms of experience, i should just give up. i cant even express my sadness right now cause i really have worked so hard on myself to make an impression i just want to never show up at work. ever ever agaaain. i know i have to but im happy now i have three days off to just stay away from that place. maybe i'll just get over this maybe it'll blow over but knowing someones age just always automatically puts judgement no matter how hard you try. i just cant even right now.

im going to fucking kill myself !!!!

my co worker told ian im 18 ya ya yaa i know he was going to eventually find out but not now!!!!!

i never want to go back to work ever again 

Well over there, there's friends of mine
What can I say? I've known 'em for a long long time
And yeah they might overstep the line
But I just cannot get angry in the same way

went to la zine fest with clara! and then went around the booths a couple times it was so lovely i got ian this free zine that i hope he likes and a bunch of feminist stuff. everything was so nice looking and after i drove to parus the indian restaurant ian told me about. it was so delicious and good, i daydreamed about when he comes in and wondered where he sits and what he orders. my stepmom joined me and we just talked for a bit then i drove home and my friend who i had been waiting to call me all day texted me saying he forgot and if i still wanted to hang out. i was a little bothered since i felt ~forgotten it was just a little inconsiderate that all day i anticipated his phone call and so im still debating whether we should hang out, i look good right now and my make up is still fresh but i kinda wanted to stay up and watch girls and just relax. also idk if i posted this but the most recent girls episode was so good, lena does this mini explanation of every episode and she talked about how in the last one she enters a fantasy of what she wants her life to be like. have an older man love her, respect her and be happy and i just related to it so much. i loved the actors performance and he's pretty well known i think its patrick wilson ? and then a few days ago when i was walking up the st from my work going to buy fries i saw him and it was so funny since the night i watched that episode my exact thoughts were "if i see patrick wilson im going to tell him that episode he did in girls was by far my favorite of the whole season and it means so much to me". but since he was busy i didnt want to bother him but its so funny how life works and energy. maybe i'll see him again at that little cafe french place. anyways my room is weirdly clean but there still stuff in places it shouldnt be but oh well. yuck tomorrow i work! 

today was the worst day to exist/to be alive/to breathe/to feel. 

i havent this bad of a day since the first time my real boyfriend broke up with me right after my therapy class and i was hysterically crying in the car and i felt like nothing could ever make things right.

that exact feeling is what today brought me. 

also i'm so stupid for even thinking ian would ever find me even friend worthy. 

-sigh-

i was going through my old profile pictures and i came across this.
right before a choir performance in which then later the romper im wearing in this photo got stolen and i had to go home in my ugly choir dress.

as soon as i came into work ian was in line and i talked to him for a bit then went to the back. i got my wallet since i wanted to buy the leather jacket that i put on hold at squaresville and as i went outside i saw him and we ended up talking by the stairs and we talked about my dog zeppy that i had and he asked me about who i saw at the fonda since i had my wrist band on from last night and he told me he went to a bar yesterday with his friend but it wasnt a date and we talked more about parus and i told him maybe i'd see him saturday and he didnt say "yeah" in that enthusiastic way that i'd want him to so idk if i have a chance. 

after this situation happened i grabbed coffee sleeves from the register, went to the back room and wrote down all of what just happened to me and the feelings that came from the situation. 

being realistic i dont think anything will ever happen and it makes me so sad since im starting to believe i'll never find anyone that will want to be with me. maybe its the post valentines day sad me speaking or just idk silly feelings. anyways two of my friends birthdays are coming up soon and im making one of them a mix cd and the other im not sure yet.  

tomorrow i have work at 5:45 am and i really dont feel like being there for eight hours so as soon as i get out i plan to go home get ready and go to topshop and use the gift card i got. 

i want time to passs, i want to know what the future holds for me, i just am tired of being tired idk 

its stupid but i always wonder if some day someone out there will love me enough to spend their days with me drinking chocolate soymilk and take me the beach 

i need to get it out, i need to tell another soul, i need another living being to know the truth to know what i've done. i cant see you i just cant because those memories are played over and over and im amazed how those experiences have changed the way i see you. i thought i could be cool and hip and adult like and handel this since they're experiences i've seen society and culture make these situations look ok. like you're cool for being in them but you're not. it eats at you and late at night its all you can think about. i dont want to develop feelings for you, thats the last thing i want and need. im waiting for time to pass, for these feelings to feel like they're buried in my past as unimportant and irrelevant but the more i wait for them to become that they simply do the opposite.

im going crazy.

tomorrow

vaccines will u please sing to me
im begging be my valentines

literally the worst day ive had in so long
i cant even begin to explain how awfully sad i am right now, usually im excited for valentines day but i dont want tomorrow to come !!! although i am excited to see maddie ive missed her so much and theres so much to talk about!!! <3

i dont have a valentine this year not even my cat loves me right now, and i could say ian is but i dont want it to be just one way. its okay i think next year will be better. i bought a cute dress for tomorrow but i feel like im going to look gross and bloated ugh someone shoot me please will this awful feeling ever end

i dont know what im doing i dont know i dont know!!!!!!!
im worried im scared i dont know
i wish someone could tell me whats wrong and whats right

last night i was supposed to dress up 90's~ for karaoke and plans failed through and we didnt end up going ))): anyways*~*~*~
this is what i wore before i changed!!
so much has happened guys (':


last night i went to lot 1 and bonded with oksana <3 and we all hung out and then after went to the brite spot and bugged paris hehe and i got this glass of almond milk that im pretty sure im allergic to since my mouth got all itch (sucks since it was so yummy!)
THEN TODAY~~!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
apart from the fact that i drove to work (2nd time heheh) ian and i talked and it was just so *~*~** lovely and special and i just want to kiss him so badly hehe and run my fingers through his hair but anyways!!! he called me cute!!!! like it sounds weird just stating it but in the situation it happened he was kinda flirting with me and i smiled so big im sure i blushed it was like <3_____<3 aw shortly after i thought to myself omfg i should of said you're cute tooo!!! and smiled but i was so taken back because it was so unexpected and special and dear to my heart. i know i'll see him tomorrow but its just nice to know that he thinks im attractive and i feel like him flirting is a major step!!! im sad since i start school soon but then he told me he's taking a class at gcc and so we can talk about having midterms~ hehee and ya anyways this all makes me so happy. and im excited for tomorrow tooo!!! i just woke up from a nap and so im going to work a couple stuff and then sleep~*~*~*~*

im going to yell and scream and pull out my hair because everything is stupid and im angry

i had a great sleep and then i woke up and then i remembered i remembered and then it was this dark shadow that came over me and then i remembered and it all turned into blackness.

i can drive now!!! legally!!!!
<3___<3
i started crying in the car cause of how much i love/like ian. he and i talked today when he came in to get a venti hot water for this homeless man he helps, i just (': and i have a way of how i'll get his number hehehehe also!!!!
i got my cute western shoes omgaaah so cute!!!!!!!!!!!! im so happpy right now!! and i can drive to work tomorrow and hopefully i'll be able to drive everywhere!!!!!!!!!!



just gonna fall asleep to kitty pryde's ay shawty 3.0

not suree

lauren early took this photo of me when she visited me and we ate at the brite spot together <3 ~!!! i miss her so much she's such a lovely human who i want to visit in nyc!!!! <3 ____ <3 

<3 <3 <3

this pictures is everything you need to know about me!!!
im 19 (almost) and i still have stuffed animals that sleep with me,
last night hugo and i got 4 solid songs for ta guele!!!
my crappy bangs that i cut too short are finally cute short to let them down!!!
i like my butterfly clip (-:
im not wearing make up in this (sorry boys)
i have practice again on tuesday and i cant wait!!
so much coming up :3 i have to get ready for work *~*~*~*~*~*~**

the band im in officially has four songs!!!!
im so excited to perform them soon heheh,

i also got high before practice and i remember talking alot and being very silly and dumb

goodnight

i just bought these babies
heheheh :3
so exciteddd!!!!

god my co workers are so dumb like ian came in TWO times and both times they both times i was about to ask him to hang out but they both cockblocked and i didnt have a chance to say anything
6_6 ughhhghghghhhhh so stupid!!!! ))): i wanted to ask him about his favorite vegan food :3 and ask if he ever wanted to go eat to call meE@!@@!!! UGHHHH





in other news im so sleepy from work img oing to just lay here and day dream maybe smoke weed

princess tamy has weed ya'll ~
its called blue champagne hehe