so jonny replied to me!!! (i was sure he would but still its so exciting since he said he'd be willing to help!!!) and this man that works up the st from me and has a magazine stand and always sells oyster, dazed and confused, lula, etc said he would sell my zine on his stand and advertise it to people!!!! im going to work on my questions tonight im sososo happy!!!

so happy my poster is here now :))) im still waiting for my velvet underground poster (i think should be here soon!!!) and then my marc jacobs shirt. time for sleep i have to wake up so early tomorrow :(

<3 <3 <3

also my hair is getting lighter ughhh wtffff is this nooooo
:o

i brought my computer to school and now all i want to do is go back home and just sleep. after this class then i must catch the bus to work all the way to the other side of town. its like this never ends. I need to start saving up since i bought my new computer i didnt blow all of my money but i defiantly am back where i started a while ago. my goal is that by the end of dec or atleast mid dec i'll have enough for my portland trip. xxx

ugh the cute guy in my philosophy class flirts with the stupid dumb bimbo that sits near me and always talks about jesus and how much heaven is going to be a great place like he fucking reads nietzsche and dress semi skin head ((in a cute way idk)) and its like boy i get your style and i like what you read and i think we could have cool talks why dont you like me jesus christ why do boys always go for those stupid girls.

all i do is isolate myself
work
do shitty in school
and order pizza
AAALLLL THE TIMMEEEEEEEE

i miss this

christmas list:
-tim walkers book
-black pointy creepers
-grace coddingtons book
-the velvet undergrounds collection in vinyl
-daria on DVD
-girls season 1 <3
-houndstooth pants in black from american apparel
-vegan docs
<3____<3

i just want to lay in a field of daisies with you and listen to the velvet underground and drink chocolate soymilk

I now own a macbook pro. i am so happy i have worked so hard for this after dealing with my all worn out white 2007 macbook who's backlight always turns off and the battery is super shitty and turns off on me all the time but yay im so happy no more of that :3

ugh time to clean my room and wash my converse and my work clothes waaaaaah

i am often worried of what my friends will say of my writing. what other thinks or my work. that they'll judge me and think im trying to become an intellectual. i know they will think my writings is just teenage crap that sounds whiny and ignorant but i dont care. i write for that reason because if i dont document it in some way it'll leave my brain, thoughts, and dreams and some day when im forty with a shitty job i'll regret it on my way to sons soccer practice. i'll regret that i didnt start a band of my own, go to another city without any plan, leave the US, publish a book and live my life. i am so scared for the future but so secretly excited.

i don’t want to fall in love with someone who doesn't like the things i like. i know everyone says that but i often feel like people settle. people are afraid to look for that one person we dream of, the person we believe that we will magically run into at some hip bookstore while simon and garfunkel is playing on vinyl. it never happens, but only because we don’t wait and we cant wait. our society teaches us that time is going by and if things don’t happen when we they’re supposed to happen then it’ll never happen. I refuse for this to be, i am told by every “adult” in my life that i’m picky when it comes to dating but I know the universe has it out there for me. I’ll find that person, and we will have perfect and shitty nights and nights that consist of great passionate sex, and nights that never end. 

my perfect night is us two coming home together after the disgusting harsh day at work. I put on the velvet underground, undress myself and change. we cook something but half way cant even finish because we’re both simply too lazy (which is why we know we’re meant for each other) so we order pizza and while we wait watch parks and rec. 

the pizza arrives and its perfect in every way, we dont have furniture so we sit by the window where the view that we have of the city is semi blocked by the tree that we’re both to fond of to trim. we’re just sitting there watching this tree and one half of a view of  the city. I know this is just a moment in my life as human but as im here with you the one person who solely loves me for being the stubborn selfishy loving person i am, i am thankful. everything about you and i is wrong and right at the same time, we are everything society is against in terms of what is normal but right in everything that i believe. we finish our pizza and continue to listen to velvet underground, throw the box near the trash and get into bed. the house is messy, specifically a throw up of our disorganized week. as i look at you, laying next to me i think of all those times i doubted my fate in this universe. all the times i thought that maybe i wasnt meant to connect with another being the way i do with you. i love you with every part of my body, soul and mind and i wouldnt have this moment any other way. i sleep into the night laying next to you with this happiness that only comes from within the kind I cant necessarily explain, probably because I’ll end up sounding like a middle schooler who just had her first kiss and thinks she’s in love. however, i want this moment to last forever and i know it wont. it cant, it wouldnt be a moment if it did. so im happy that its ending or else how would i be able to call it a memory?

im sure its just my women hormones and crazy feelings that are taking over but this past week has been a roller coaster. how can one minute i be content but the other i am down and shattered? I really believe its just me and I should probably be checked into a mental ward so my emotion issues can be solved or maybe not, i dont know. I always wonder am i the only one who over analyzes my feelings? I always try to find meaning in my actions and why sometimes i unconsciously react the way i do to certain people/situations. I feel its to better understand myself since I am so unhappy with the person I am. Since middle school I remember I was always admiring those who were quite and kept to themselves, those kids in my class were always so mysterious to me, I always wanted to learn more about them and in some way wish I was them so people would want to learn more about me. I wonder if people think I'm interesting or bland, maybe i worry too much about what others think but then again maybe I just have the semi courage to write about it on the internet? (i dont know) I am certain though that I am in a time of my life where I am just lost, confused and trying to find my path in this herd of sheep society. 

today work was awful, it started off alright but lets just say that the minute i literally spilled a whole drink onto myself was my breaking point. ian came in and i'm glad i didnt take his order when i was on register. something happened to me today at work, this feeling overcame me and i've never felt this before. a wave of embarrassment just took me down and i had thoughts of "what am i doing with my life", "just look at me touching a fucking screen following this company rules, being a robot in society" things like this. I just felt as if i wanted to run out of there and go to the woods or connect with nature or something that was alive. i cant really describe what it was and i apologize if what i'm saying is unable to make sense in anyway. i often question life and humans and this world we've created for ourselves. i've been alienating myself from my friends, i know its not good but i dont want them to deal with me this way. they shouldnt have to see me sad or know that theres something wrong. i feel uncomfortable putting my problems onto others since often times im worried they'll think im a ~drama queen~ i dont know what to do, until tomorrow. 

i havent seen ian in so long :o i havent worked either in 6 days. its so weird and i dont like that im getting used to it. but at the same time i realized that i was making work my world and it was controlling me. its such a scary thought. this society keeps us busy so we never fully enjoy life. sometimes i just want to run away and start a new life in the country away from everything here. -sigh-

i watched american horror story tonight and this song was played in the scene sister eunice dances in the red lingerie that belonged to sister mary jude. that was probably my favorite scene of tonight episodes for endless reasons. other than the red symbolizing the devil and her taking off the cross necklace an action of rebellion of god i felt it could of looked in another way. the idea that during the 60's women were having an uprising and starting to claim their rights in society and how her wearing the red in a way was her claiming control of her body and her right to do whatever she wants with it. lately i feel that i've been going through many changes, spiritual, emotional, and mental. i started to really clean out my closet and i gave away so much clothes that I probably wont wear even if i like them. i still want to give away more since i'll always end up buying clothes and not wearing them. i took down a bunch of photos off my wall and im going to put all of my film into albums and organize them from the beginning of when i started documenting my life on film till now. i want my walls really empty and just have a couple things up. I bought a serge gainsbourg and jane birkin poster and a velvet underground poster and I want them put up when i finish my room. i think all of these changes are coming from my unhappiness with myself. i just feel like i could do more and i think the expectations i have for myself arent enough.

yay my movies came in from amazon! so happy.

things to do today:

-clean room
-laundry
-email jonny makeup <3
-get ready for work

last night i was off and i was drinking some tea near the pastry case and i kept looking to see when ian would come since i was waiting to get picked up. and i wasnt even paying attention anymore and i felt someone there and i turned around and it was him. i dont know how to quite explain it but we talked and i think i'd be happy just being his friend since he seems so sweet. he doesnt have a girlfriend. i just wish i could talk to him outside of work and ask him out without looking creepy. ~ but before that jonny makeup came in and i was so excited and happy i havent seen him in a while. i love working at night since i get to actually make people drinks and talk to them. like this one guy bruce comes in and always orders either a small coffee or a frapp but he listens to the waterfall on tape with this big headphones and practices pre calc. sometimes i wish more people could see little things like that.

i just got home from work and the first thing i saw was this video and it made me super sad that its not summer and i havent see adam in months. i cant wait till he comes in dec, im getting my license this friday and i'll finally be able to take myself places im so excited.

its it I.

i love this whole collection with my dear heart. i remember the day it came out, i was in utter shock because i didnt think i could adore a collection in such a way. i love fashion for that exact reason. it's always surprising you and shocking you in the most amazing ways. im always reminded in fashion that art takes many forms, sometimes its how the clothing piece makes the body appeal and other times its how the clothing wears the body and together they're one art piece. im conscious of all the controversy that goes on in the fashion industry and sometimes i feel conflicted due to my animal rights beliefs but for the most part just inlove with this industry and everything it has to offer.

you came in today, and there i was with my whole family and the last thing i wanted you to do is to look at me. we talked and i cried in the car. i wish i was cool enough for you, i wish i was older and had my own place and had a cool job and actually cooked vegan food rather than just eat out. i wish for all of this and more but tonight i realized that its okay. its okay because for me its just a single part of my life, you're just one guy i may or may not date. this might be the beginning of something it might not. i forget that i see things a lot bigger than they actually are. i cried it all out, all the shamefulness and all the embarrassment. tomorrow we will see each other again and now i know it'll be okay. maybe i wont be able to totally control myself but i'll be for the most part all there.

i need to focus on myself my goals and aspirations. i need to get myself together.

im so happy i hung out with maddie tonight. rookie party was the greatest even thought most people were just there to see best coast. the night got better when we went to swingers thought and i had the greatest chocolate shake ever. i feel so lucky to have finally met people with the same interest as i and same goals, although i really need to finish the projects i start. I ended up getting the set list for best coast after 3 years of wanting one (lol). overall i had such a good night. <3 <3 <3 so happy that i went, time for work tomorrow :3

i dont want to work, i made myself look so dumb last night jesus im so embarrassed i wish you would just ask me out. but at the same time im hoping you'll come in. it'll make my work that much more fun to look forward to. jesus christ idk what i want. wwahhh

i relate to you so much suzy bishop.

i dont know what it is exactly. your sweet simple smile, the bags under your eyes that only proves you're a hard worker, the tired look you have, the anti name brand clothing you wear, its everything about you that im attracted to. i've never experienced such nervousness around another human, i feel as if every atom in my body is about to fall apart whenever i talk to you. there's always so much left unsaid, so much i want to talk to you about. i try every night to keep my composure but i just fall apart at the look of your face. i don want to say the wrong things or make the wrong impression. i just really want this to work.

my room is beyond messy, it just looks like a throw up of my life at the moment. books everywhere, unwanted papers hidden between the piles of clean/dirty clothing on the floor. i just want to sleep, to disappear or rather to wake up and have everything be perfect. tomorrow is rookie and im going with my best friend to see a band i once thought would be my favorite band forever. im not sure what to do today, maybe lunch at flore, or cowboys and turban or maybe babycakes. i havent been there in a while. i need to start drawing more, maybe i'll buy a moleskin. (another one) which reminds me i cant wait for the new year so i can use my frida khalo planner. i was thinking this morning maybe i should take a trip to san francisco. i've been wanting to for the last couple months, or maybe return to new york next january. my eyes swell up at the idea of going back. only because i miss it so much there, i feel this  feeling of home whenever i think of that city. i think down deep inside i know i'm meant to live there. Los angeles brings me sadness, the streets at night are empty and lonely. rarely any nightlife, its a city that sleeps and wakes up. I need to be in an environment that is always alive.

i think tonight when ian comes in im going to slap myself (not really & not infront of him) and ask him if he's been to flore before.