every time i post an instagram photo i secretly hope you'll like it. can i just have my awkward run in with you already and get it over with?

im hurt and im sad and i think of him often. i wonder about what he's doing whether he's seeing her or not. sure we werent official but he started to mean a lot to him. i wish things were much simpler and i never got involved. i dont regret hooking up with him i regret continuing to think that him wanting to hang out would lead to something. clearly he was still into her and was just waiting for her to come back. thats what upsets me. that i was so stupid i couldnt see that. i guess i should be glad i didnt sleep with him either but i just wish it never happened. it changes everything for me i guess. my co worker i know doesnt think i know so wont tell me but ughhh. i just wish this would pass. i know it will it always does and i feel better at the end but for now its just me sitting at home alone listening to sad french music. -ughhh-

42 more days till seattle
then tomorrow 41
then 40~~~!!!
then 39
and so on
and soooo on!!!

i dont feel happy like i used to and i dont feel comfortable and i dont feel like this is going to work itself out. im scared and i wish things werent like this. it almost feels like a break up the most harsh way, i need to start numbing myself because i dont see another way to work this out.

I BOUGHT MY TICKET FOR SEATTLE
I BOUGHT MY TICKET FOR SEATTLE

I BOUGHT MY TICKET FOR SEATTLE

I BOUGHT MY TICKET FOR SEATTLE

I BOUGHT MY TICKET FOR SEATTLE

I BOUGHT MY TICKET FOR SEATTLE

I BOUGHT MY TICKET FOR SEATTLE

I BOUGHT MY TICKET FOR SEATTLE

I BOUGHT MY TICKET FOR SEATTLE

I BOUGHT MY TICKET FOR SEATTLE

I BOUGHT MY TICKET FOR SEATTLE

I BOUGHT MY TICKET FOR SEATTLE

AUG 5th 

finally finally finally getting out of los angeles for a little bit

ohhh my goddddddd i cant believe its finally happening

i cant wait for the day to come

when i wake up and im 19 and then the next day i'll be in seattle!!!!

<3 <3 <3 

i miss sergio so much and i cant wait to see him and tell him about kale boy and ahhhhhh <3

i worked so hard for this, and im broke again but its so worth it to me. it really is and all of june/july

im going to do nothing but save up. 

I BOUGHT MY TICKET FOR SEATTLE

I BOUGHT MY TICKET FOR SEATTLE

I BOUGHT MY TICKET FOR SEATTLE

I BOUGHT MY TICKET FOR SEATTLE

I BOUGHT MY TICKET FOR SEATTLE

I BOUGHT MY TICKET FOR SEATTLE

I BOUGHT MY TICKET FOR SEATTLE

I BOUGHT MY TICKET FOR SEATTLE

I BOUGHT MY TICKET FOR SEATTLE

I BOUGHT MY TICKET FOR SEATTLE

I BOUGHT MY TICKET FOR SEATTLE

I BOUGHT MY TICKET FOR SEATTLE

the first real boyfriend i ever had and truly loved wrote this for me and put it up on urban dictionary when i was in 9th? grade? or maybe 10th? and i just remember feeling so loved and so happy and i found it again and i wanted it on a mug so whenever im sad i'll drink tea out of my tamy mug and i'll feel better. i feel nothing for him now but its the thought of this and just how sweet it is. i remember going through such a hard time in my life with my mom at the time and he was the most supportive best friend i could ask for.

we're seeing man of steel friday
ahaha if he bails out on me again i'll just i dont even know ahh

i wish i was a flower

a cute lil flower

so i'd never get hurt

boys wouldnt be able to hurt my feelings
and girls wouldnt be able to call me mean names
my life would be simple and i'd die pretty

i wish i was a flower
a cute lil flower
so i'd never get hurt

i'd wilt and die but i'd never feel depressed
i'd feel the wind and the soft rain
and i've never cry because
cute lil flowers never cry

i would be really jealous of kale boy started seeing someone else but i dont want him to be my boyfriend i just i just i dont know ):

the yeezus album is flawless and just brings me happiness, ughh tomorrow i go back to work ): whyyyy

i never feel sad to do things alone, i just feel angry and sad at the same time ughhh

and my hair looks so good today

he said he'd call me to let me know what time we should hang out today
excuse me i dont wait for anyone, fuck you
fuck you
fuck you
fuck you
fuck you

im gonna go watch this movie alone and have 10x more fun than i woud have with you

fuck you
fuck you
fuck you
fuck you

in the last months or so i've created one of the biggest secrets of my personal life and its something i'd never tell anyone for the life of me. 

i've also never felt so grown up in my life. 

im playing a show tomorrow!!! im excited to see all my friends and then after im going to see kanyes projections in echo park with jorin!!! im so excited and then after i might go see the bling ring (': and then sunday im seeing kale boy ? and monday amoeba with clara <3

im so excited for seattle but i want to go to new york so bad
tickets are 200 for seattle and 400 for new york but argghh new york makes me so happy and if i dont go this summer i'll be so sad):
money problems

im so bad at living life why do i even try

we're seeing the bling ring on sunday but i really want to watch it alone before hand. i just love watching movies alone, i like just taking it all in and not having to worry whether the person i came with is going to enjoy it. i've been listening to his ima robot vinyl non stop ever since he let me borrow it. i came home today and watched an episode of girls (season 1) and then read eight ball by daniel clowes which i scored today for 8 bucks. before that i went to vacation vinyl and there wasnt a franciose vinyl ): and i ended up just talking to the guy about music and he gave me the nationals cd for free and i gave my name and number so when they have a hardy vinyl they'll call me. tomorrow i have to go to clementine this plant store in silverlake and buy my dad his succulent and buy myself one for my room and then pay my phone bill. so much to do and such little time and then after work is mountair meeting and then band practice. my day tomorrow is going to be so intense idk if im ready. im never ready, i never know what i want or what im supposed to do. i think i actually like kale boy because he came in today to talk to jorin and didnt notice me and i felt really nervous and uncomfortable because it thought he was ignoring me since maybe he thought i was too childlike when we last hung out. i always worry that guys will think that about me. i know im childlike, i choose to be like that because i refuse to be boring and sad and adult like, just like all the stupid old sad men who come into my work.  whenever i see them i always make a comment  like " you look lovely today" or "wow what a pretty name" and they always smile at me and it makes me feel like i reminded them that life is pretty sometimes even though i forget myself. one of the guys who comes in asked if i was ok cause he knew i go to smc. a fucking customer cares more about me than my own mother! ha aha how silly is that. argh i should be getting ready to sleep but i cant decided on what dress to wear sunday when i see him. i know forsure i'll wear my hat from topshop and maybe my heart dress with my leather jacket. i wish i knew how he felt about me and i feel silly to ask. i dont even know what i want, i know i just want it to continue it doesnt have to be official i dont ask for much. we're not even facebook friends. 

im so bad at dating, i like kale boy but idk how he feels and i want to talk to this other boy and i dont want anyone getting hurt since i know kale boy is sensitive but he wont even tell me how he didnt even respond when i told him i liked him so i dont know and its like ok well im going to date other people if you clearly dont even know how to respond to when someone says "i really like you" like wtf the super cute guy from lassens texted me today (again) and then the guy from flore was flirting with me too and then this guy who comes into my work and is kinda a babe wants to hang out too, wow all of this just made me realize that if things dont work out with kale boy its ok

i got to work a hour early and i ended up going over his place and i hung out with him for a little in his room and listened to francoise hardy and bleached and talked about where he was going and france and he gave me this poem to read before i left and i didnt want to leave for work but i had to. he walked me to my car and he kissed me >.< he comes back sunday afternoon and i happen to be busy all afternoons next week which is when he's free but maybe we'll figure something out, this all feels to real to be true and too wonderful to exist. i dont want to fuck it up and i dont want my selfish issues to mess this up. for christ sake when we hung out he made me pizza and cooked me mushrooms and we watched arrested development and just held each other and it was so wonderful and we listened to music and sat on his bed and talked about being little and christmas lights and i dont want to mess this up. i dont want this to end, i enjoy his company so much and i feel so comfortable around him it almost scares me because its so lovely. i talked to him about how great it is to watch wes anderson films in theater and he agreed completely and we both enjoy watching movies alone and i think thats why i wouldnt mind watching one with him. i feel respected and i respect him and his work. the only thing that worries me is others. others opinion and thoughts always ruin everything and always ruin it all and i know you could tell me dont let it but its not easy and you know its not. im so excited for him to come back, more than i want to admit. im so excited for all the adventures we've made plans for. we made a pact to buy christmas lights and put them up in his room next time we hang out and possibly go watch the bling ring, which ive made him promise not to look up! ahh im so excited i hope he's part of my summer and im part of his.

i hate one of my co workers so much, i cant wait to leave this job. it makes me sad since i really love working there but its just too much always having to leave work an hour before and battling traffic. it gives me such a headache )): and its not like any of my favorite people are going to be there so ughhh 

i made my apt to go back to counseling, im excited to finally be able to do this without my parents  since that was always the biggest issue.

the last couple days have been eventless 

however kale boy and i have been texting!!! i just get bored easily because theres so much i want to say but i just want to see him and hug him and talk to him about film and music and i dont want to look to creepy so waah. we've agreed on seeing the bling ring when it comes out and im super pumped about that!!! it'll be a real movie date!!! i've been thinking about what to wear ever since we agreed on going to see it, i got new jellies~~!! but idk if that would go well or maybe i'll just wear my black boots they go with everything. idk idk also we planned a date for a dodger game and hopefully i can get it off!! it would make me so happy. 

today is just a lazy day im going to do nothing and do laundry maybe go for a run? hmmm 

last night was one the best parties ever, i love my friends so much. <3 <3 <3 im sad kale boy wasnt there but he texted me that night and we hadnt talked the whole day which meant he thought about me.
:3