im going to visit kale boy tomorrow
please god dont let me fuck this up in anyway please let me look super cute and make kale boy want to kiss me

i keep asking whats wrong with me why hasn't he contacted me why me why me whats wrong with me and its just making me crazy and it hurts my head and i just wish i had someone who wants to watch the office really late at night and listen to records and light candles and go to the observatory all the time and just look at the stars
ugh its not like im even sexually frustrated, i dont want to make out with you i just want to hold your hand and cuddle and tell you how cute you are


*cries*

my best friends who are always on my book shelf next to my favorite books!!! 

they finally have more space ever since i cleaned my room (-:

(i was feeling sad about work and sad because i dont know where i stand with the boy i made out with at the party i went to last saturday) 

ADAM I KNOW YOU DELETED AGAIN IT MAKES ME UPSET THAT I CANT ENJOY YOUR WEB PRESENCE.
)))-:

oh i think i like you but i guess it doesnt even matter at this point

i wish feelings we'rent so hard to deal with. yes its part of life but sometimes i just become so overwhelmed with my thoughts it makes my head hurt and i want to crawl into a corner and just stay there till i feel better. maybe its just the come down. but i feel like this a lot when im home for too long so i dont know

 took the adderall my friend gave me a while ago and i hadnt used it and since i didnt have a car today i took it and cleaned my WHOLE room. and i  literally mean my whole room.  every drawer, every piece of paper i went through and i gave away/threw away so much stuff and my room is so much cleaner now im so proud of myself. & the same time im determined to get a prescription considering that im 18 now and i’ll be able to sign for myself now. a year ago i was going to therapy and my therapist said i should get evaluated since she told me i showing signs of adhd and since it had never been treated when i was little it wasnt going away. however my parents never let me get tested since they refused to have me put anything in my body. i totally agree with them but it helps me so much and regardless of what anyone says about it (all the negatives) im glad i’m finally making this decision to go get tested  they got really upset with my therapist and made me stop seeing her and for a while i was going to take the bus to her but it was just too much to do. i think this summer i’ll start going to see her again, and i’ll drive myself.  . *summer goal*


++++++

i got rid of my tv and im so happy i did. now i have my record table on the table it used to be on and i made it all pretty with the picture of me, gawby and bryce <3 i also put the casio josh let me borrow and all the posters are against the wall it honestly looks so nice. i cleaned out my bookshelf and put away all off the books i dont want/giving away and organized everything i had. i wish i could do more things like this naturally. usually every time i try i get distracted and it makes me so sad and frustrated with myself. i start crying and hating myself because i cant ever focus on just one thing. im going to try to just take little steps in being more of an organized person. <3 

i keep trying to type it all out and get it out of my system but i cant and i just want to know if we can still be friends.

oh man the morning after is just a weird cloud of feelings and thoughts i hope im not overreacting. im so bad at this and sometimes so insecure, today i'll just sleep all day and watch the office and stay up till arrested development comes on netflix and take some vicoden

i dont know i dont know i dont know i dont know
oh god

i want to cry just thinking about my co workers leaving. i already cant deal working when they're not there i dont know how i'll do it when they're totally gone.
i really need to look/try to get a job at aa cause its becoming too much to deal with. i always say i need to quit and its true, its wayy to intense working at that store and i dont get paid enough for what i deal with but its just becoming more and more of a reality. theres just too many emotions right now and i need to relax and just breathe~ im at melissa's and im so happy. i love their apt so much and jorin just i wish good things could stay that way. im a bit emotionally overwhelmed right now so sorry if this whole entry doesnt make sense.  ughoisdhfoihaiogfhas is exactly how i feel, i just cant deal right now i cant and i dont want to and life is forcing me to aND iTS NOT COOOOL

literally cant wait for thursday night
im going to drive to long beach and visit my friend melissa and her husband and we're going to watch clueless and have a vegan fest!!!
i've worked the last 7 days in a row all 8 hour shifts im soo tired!!! i didnt do my paper for school oops!! but its ok img oing to turn it late and get a B hehe. anyways!!! time to sleep, i wish i had a boy to make out  with again. i did but he wasnt a healthy relationship and im sure all of my friends would disapprove if they found out. ughh sexual frustration ~_~

my friend took this of me tonight

and i made this song when i got home

https://soundcloud.com/tamylovespandas/i-hate-boys

its not really about anyone but rather about every boy i've ever liked 

look how cute this super short cat dress is!!!
i got it from some online store and i have these thigh highs im going to wear it with :3 so i like this boy but the situation is really weird. its my co workers roommate but omgg he's so cute and he likes film and appreciates the same music i do and i want to get to know him but i heard he's dating this other girl ughhh idk how to not look creepy, idk if he'll think im creepy? waah i really wanna get to know him anyways :3

this summer i really want to get my tattoo, i've been thinking about it for almost a year now and my stepmom thinks i should wait but i think i'll do it anyways. most likely with bryce since we talked about getting tattoos this summer!!! i know she'll understand it (-: today the weather was so pretty in santa monica, it was breezy and nice. tomorrow is my day off maybe i'll drive out to the beach alone and go swimming~ ahh that sounds so nice!!! i should be getting ready for work, im in a good mood and hopefully i'll stay this way at work since people can often be so rude.
i cleaned my room a bit, i think with my next paycheck im going to buy a new desk and some shelves ~ i have way too many things that i dont even use.

waiting for my class to start in the back of my car!!! i was sad that i didnt have a blanket but then i realized my friend left his jacket from a few nights ago so it serves a good purpose now!!! i went to starbucks before school for iced coffee how silly is that?!!??!

today was my day off.

i woke up, got ready made myself some breakfast and drove out to glendale. i watched the great gatsby and it was really wonderful. i had been meaning to watch it since i saw the trailer but it wasnt something i wanted to watch with a boy or with a friend i just felt the need to watch it alone. so i did and it was exactly what i wanted. i'll probably do the same thing for the bling ring. after i walked around a bit and bought my co worker these socks i had promised her and i was happy to see her  when i went to go pick up my tips at work. my co worker told me i looked pretty which made me happy since he thinks this girl we work this is the most beautiful girl he's ever seen and for a while i liked him so it kinda made me feel better. after i drove to trader joes and picked out what i'd eat for the next couple weeks or so. driving home was nice, im not a fan of hot weather. it makes me really angsty and upset but i tried hard to just keep cool~

i came home and made such a lovely dinner for myself :3
go me.

i took this earlier when i was vchatting with erik :3 i miss him so much <3 

all i remember about this was pure love

post lil depression is too fucking real and im going through it, based family where u at

im so thankful and happy you came into my life, i wouldnt be the person i am today without you and every day i thank the universe and the stars and cosmos and moons and life that i know you as not just my best friend but the mom that i never had but always needed. im so proud to call you my friend and my mom, you're the coolest person i know and everyday you teach me so much. <3 <3 <3 

i hate myself so much and all i want to do is just sleep and never wake up but i have work at fucking 5:30 am, i cant stop crying im so done with everything. nothing ever fucking works out for me.

i dont want to deal with my feelings anymore

bored in class thinking about cute boy i want to kiss and hug

#depressed

theres this super cute guy who comes in my work and his name happens to be ian :3 but he works at wacko and always orders a tea latte for himself and we talked about lil b today and he told me he saw his performance at freak city a while ago and he's really sweet and always talks to me and i keep meaning to ask him to come to the mountair show at pehr but i get nervous the more i think about it and today he came in and asked me how my weekend was and i was so dumb and just said "boring all i did was work" omg someone slap me plz

i want to cry, im breaking out with this rash on my legs and its starting on my arms and idk what to do and i have no idea what it is and im so fucking scared. like i've never had this happen to my body, i take care of myself and eat healthy and always make sure i have enough protein and its just so scary. i've never felt afraid of my own body and im trying to keep positive and just believe that it will go away and im going to the doctor tomorrow so hopefully he'll help me out but im stressed out i have work at 5 am tomorrow i want it to go away

my sock combo was so cute today

the thing about los angeles is once you've been everywhere you just think "where else can i go now?" 

i dont wanna go to trader joes in pasadena, silverlake, hollywood, etc and everything else is too far or theres nothing

ughhh