i thought i was being a really good vegan by eating veggies 24/7 and having fruit and apples all the time but i guess not
cause my nose keeps bleeding my joints literally hurt and my arms feel so heavy i feel like my body is falling apart


i feel so fragile and not in a tumblr chic thinspo kinda way cause im not skinny i just feel weak and tired after today and im sleepy all the time
UGHH i dont wanna go to the doctor he's gonna tell me to start eating meat or something along the lines of that
how do i get this weak feeling to go away
i cant pick up my arms and the weight of them hurts me

im cant deal with this pain

sunday

tomorrow morning im going to the american apparel flea market on the search for good mom pants!!! so i can finally wear cool socks and mom jeans with my converse!!!
and i need more "bottoms"
basically i havent really been able to shop since all my money goes to gas ))):

my friend and i switched mix cds for the 2nd time

i really like this relationship we have (of mix cd trading)

and he put this song on it its so lovely and i really really like it
his voice is so wonderful and smooth

ian came into my work yesterday and i literally ran to my car and listened to marine girls and cried on my ten min break because it took me by surprise that he came in

i hate myself for liking him after all these months

im so so so very happy with my decisions and actions tonight

(-:

go me !!!!

me at space15twenty before i ended up drinking too much at bryces party

wow looking at this im realizing how tiny i am 

-sigh-

my friend is coming home from the uk in a few days i cant wait!!!! we're going to plan a flore day and just walk around echo park. last time we go flore we ended up running into bethany and bob from best coast at the record store near by. <3 <3 <3 i bought myself flowers and they look so pretty in my room. although i should clean it since its messy but i love to just sit in my bed and think about pretty boys and flowers :3

i really really miss adam so much and im still saving up money for chi, not so much to visit there but to see him. i miss fyf and waking up and spending the whole day with him just walking around hollywood and getting in and out and just feeling really free of obligations and reality. tomorrow i dont have work but im waking up early to clean, work on my paper and make myself a vegan shake mmmm

maybe i'll splurge my next pay check on a train ticket somewhere

will this cycle end will it change im always wondering

i really wish i could of seen this band when they played the echo

~sigh~ 

last night mikey and john came to visit me after work, i love when people visit me. especially at work since often times i feel so miserable there. i didnt go to school today, i came home late and didnt feel like driving out the santa monica. then i woke up with this awful pain in my chest, its the 2nd time its happened this week and im not sure what it is but i dont need another health issue to deal w/.i have work in a few hours then im off, i dont want to go home so maybe go eat but nothing is ever really open that late. ~_~ i've been writing more songs, writing more in my notebook just trying to put my feelings into writing so it doesnt bother me so much.  my life always feels like one giant day dream. theres a couple things going on friday, i was gonna go to this party but i might go support my friend at her show at pehr <3 <3 <3 

i wish i could express my endless love for mountair. i came home so proud to tell my dad that this venue is going to open soon. i still remember my first mountair show at johns parents house, where ryan played and he didnt really talk to me and rey and his brother were there and so was ford and i read something for mikey. i remember that night so well and it was my first experience with mountair and now a few years later and a few more amazing people, this is happening. im so lucky and proud to be in the friend circle that i'm in. i wouldnt have it any other way, im so thankful for all the good friends in my life and for their loyalty and just them being them and the beautiful music they all make. <3

i think i have a crush on my co worker
idk around him im alot more sassy than usual, and i always want to hang out with him and i thought about how cute it would be if he kissed me
not at work cause i would smell gross but you know

idk though this could just be one of those mini infatuations i sometimes have


im writing this from my car on my lunch break at work, the weather outside is so pretty i wish i could just take a nice walk in this area~
-sigh-

so beautiful !!!!!!

went grocery shopping and made yummy squash with vegan mozzarella, corn and yummy mushrooms mmmmm

and salad with goddess dressing!!!

time for hw and planning out my week!!!

i love you all for reading my blog!!!



update~
i am getting over ian and its great, love and crushes are really lovely and beautiful but theres also alot of sadness and misery when its only one way. i spent alot of energy on ian, thinking about him, dreaming, and wishing praying he would notice me but i think its best to focus on myself. i've been cooking more since i got sick and its made such a big difference in my life. i feel like a better vegan and my body feels great! the next couple weeks im going to focus on improving my health both mental and physical!!!

i have a feeling im going to see ian today
ofcourse at the wrong time ):
probably right after i start and not at the end of my shift cause my outfit will be really cute lol

i havent seen him in 3 weeks now?
and ive made good progress!!! ugh hopefully it wont be for nothing when i see him.

i got paid!!! finally, i should really save my money though even if i want to buy these super cute loafers ))): maybe if on monday when i get my tips hehe

friday night-
mountair event/party with my friends <3

saturday night-
spring breakers party for 1 !!!
(so firkin excited for this movie!!)

sunday-
work/maybe flea market? (i need new summer dresses hehe)

i was driving out from the gas station

so close to you

so near you

but somehow i wanted to be away

your car turned on

my car turned on

i lied

i drove fast to get away

we we're going the same way

i turned and got away

some part of me wanted to run into you

another wanted to be away

in the end 

its best that i didnt see you

today i was so productive!
i drove over to trader joes and bought fruit and soy yogurt mmmm
and then interviewed jonny makeup!!!
followed by visiting my co worker jorin and we hung out and watched tv and ate fruit

im happy i'm making more friends outside of the people im still connected through highschool etc ~
so adult~

i made plans thursday night
so when you call
i can proudly say


"sorry i cant im hanging out and having pizza with ____"
and you'll feel just how i felt. thats how i want to end this dumb friendship that should of never started.

depressed waiting at work for mikey to come so we can go to mountair ~

i drank too much wine last night and idk how i feel, i wish i could be strong and confident and not feel ashamed but stupid society doesnt help 

wah

i really should stop taking vicoden every time i hate myself which happens to be alot
i dont have much left
fuck

i've been quite busy the last couple days
however nothing really interesting has happened in my life. i havent seen ian in almost two weeks which is really quite lovely and good since it helps me move on. i've just chosen this crush has become really unhealthy and it was going anywhere. its like the universe knew i needed time

tomorrow i have a friend date so excited for the adventures i've been having with him !
xxx

i just woke up and i feel so gross!!! i havent woken up this late in a while yuuuck~~!!! i was planning to go to the beach but jesus christ gas is so expensive ): i might drive out to the observatory later in the after noon and meet avi there <3

<3 <3 <3

making my co worker this mix cd *~*~*~*~*
he's from ohio and he's the cute one and i think im gonna take him to brite spot soon!!! hehee

sitting in my merch class thinking about how much i loved chanels collection that came out almost 6 hours ago
ughhhhh

im so sad im so pathetic i always feel like no one will ever love me these are the thoughts that i cant get out of my head im so sick and tired of feeling tired. i wish i could just express how much i love for people without the automatic "you're creepy" usually when this happens to me i end up talking to those who i know arent good for me but easy to have fake feelings for im just typing im just trying to stay alive i just feel like im drowning alive infront of everyone i dont know what to do nothing is good enough i want to run away i want to stay in the corner in the dark away from everything thats alive stay away from me i'll never be good enough

i keep trying to get over ian and then he came in today and he just looked so lovely and beautiful and i just cant help myself but to fall inlove its such a bad idea but it feels so good

bought one cause im forever a loser